Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Each Life That Touches Ours For Good

In one year from now, I cannot possibly imagine where my life will be. Everything appears to be going so well, yet never before has it all felt so wrong. Tim's passing continues to make me consider what I am doing with my life. I just read some of the comments people have written about him online. How is it that one person can have such an impact on the lives of so many. What never ceases to amaze me are the masses that write about that one or two times they actually met or hung out with Tim. And yet, they describe the huge impact that he had on them and how much they miss him. Awestruck. There is no other way to describe how I feel. And envious in a good way, I think. Nothing would bring me greater joy and happiness than to know that I could make a positive impact in someone's life. If I could even impact just one person the way Tim did to hundreds. Truly his life was one of service, selflessness, and love.

His life has thrown mine into a much needed reorganization. It makes me ill to think that I have become so enveloped in the game of career-building and chasing after the so-called American dream. What for? While financial soundness and stability are worthy goals, I do not want them to be the ultimate reason for my existence. I long so much to forget about my life and serve others. I feel so torn right now between where I am at and where I want to be. I feel like it would be foolishness to not get the CPA and to get some good work experience to fall back on; yet at the same time I view it equally foolish to continue this pursuit of worldly wealth and power.

Surely the Lord has something more important planned for my life. In fact, I know he does. In my patriarchal blessing, the Lord tells me to seek out a career of service. I have prayed about what this means for years, and never felt very good about any of the options. So I felt that maybe the opportunity would arise in the future and that I should just continue on this path in the mean time. Now, I feel like that could not be further from the truth. Yet, I fell like I should at least complete the CPA since I really am so close. Some days, I just wish I did not wake up. So many doubts, so many questions, and so little time. Work is starting to get super busy and there are so many things that I feel like I need to do. Elder Oak's General Conference talk entitled Good, Better, Best has been such a good source for me. I really need to weed out some of the good things in my life and focus on the best things. Even Halloween, which I usually am very excited for has all but been written off for me. I don't think I'll even leave the house tomorrow night.

Which brings up another interesting question. Am I depressed? Do I need to seek professional help? Or is this just a phase? I cannot tell at this point. Last week I had dinner with Sarah-Dawn and we talked about a lot of things on our minds. Afterwards, she thanked me and said that she would love to do that again sometime. I don't think she could even imagine how much what she said meant to me. If that is how Tim felt when he helped people, it is no wonder to me why he did it. That was one of the most rewarding experiences that I have had in my life in the past few years. I hope that I can continue to become somebody that people feel that they can rely on and trust. Anyway, Sarah-Dawn and I just talked about a lot of things that have been on our minds, and even though we come form very different backgrounds, I feel like we relate well and that we understand each other. It was just as therapeutic for me as it was for her.

So this is where I find myself at this point. Trying to make better decisions, yet feeling so confused at the same time about what are the best decisions for me. I feel so alone in my journey. I feel like I have no one to turn to. I guess this is the point where I realize that my Heavenly Father is always there for me and that nobody is better to turn to than Christ. I guess I just wish that I had one family member or friend that I could absolutely confide in and trust. I wonder how long it would take anyone to realize if I just didn't wake up again. It seems pretty pathetic to think that my coworkers would be the first ones to realize that I am not there. Such is life...

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