Sunday, November 4, 2007

We all need somebody to lean on

Life is funny. I feel like I learn lessons from the strangest of places. Tonight I went and saw a movie called Lars and the Real Girl with a friend of mine. The movie is not very well known, but the basic premise is that a 27 year-old guy who has never had a relationship with anyone and is pretty much a loner, orders a silicone doll off the internet and is convinced that "Bianca" is a real person. The town doctor thinks it best that everybody play along in order to help Lars get over his delusions. Overall, I enjoyed the movie. It was different but I would not recommend this movie to most people. But for those that enjoy an obscure and obviously different type of movie that causes you to think, it might be worth the $9.

It was very interesting to see the entire town go out of their way to help Lars. They played along and many in the town even became "friends" with Bianca. Anyway, Lars lives in the garage behind his childhood home, where his brother Gus and sister-in-law Karin now live. There was one scene where Gus is confiding in Karin that he feels partly to blame for Lars' condition because he pretty much abandoned his little brother when he left the house at 18. Gus is sad and in need of some help, when Karin tells him to come across the room and sit by her on the couch. She puts his arm around him and he leans on her. This scene really touched me.

Surely this was not intended to be the most memorable scene of the movie, but this scene really hit me. I guess you could say that I have relationship issues. Or as others like to put it, "commitment issues." I have a hard time with relationships, not because I am afraid to commit (though sometimes I think I am) but mostly because I have never seen a good relationship in those that are closest to me. I feel like most of my family members, close and extended, simply "put up" with their spouses, but don't really want to be with them. I was also raised in a home where I was required to be fiercely independent. Sadly, this independence is part of the reason why I find it difficult to be in a relationship. While I do enjoy the company of others and I am physically attracted to girls, I find it hard to put my heart and soul into a relationship. Sadly, I cannot say I feel any better being around someone I like more than I like being alone. I am way too content being alone and doing my own thing. Seeing Karin put her arm around Gus when he needed her most, made me realize what I am missing out on. I have never had anyone in my family that I can rely on or trust. When I am struggling, I usually have to cope with it myself. I wish, so badly that I had someone to turn to in my life. Someone I could share my thoughts and feelings with. Someone I could share my happiest times with, and the sad times. But I fear I have not learned how to open up to those I care about. I feel like if I were to open up, I would be judged for this, and I guess I just don't trust anyone that much yet.

So how this relates to the bigger picture, I am not yet sure. But this much I do know: I need to learn to love. I need to put my heart out on the line. I feel like I am unwilling to put myself out there only to be disappointed or hurt. But I do suppose that the saying Tis better to love and to have lost, than to never have loved at all must have some truth to it. I have a lot of catching up to do. And soon to. I am not sure how much longer I can go it alone. Life is not very much fun alone.

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