Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Stranger in Moscow

So, as I have learned today, some people love him, some people don't. I love him, always have. Never believed what the tabloids said about him, and felt strongly that he had nothing but good intentions. He changed pop music forever, changed dance forever, influenced pop culture more than we will ever realize (can you imagine MTV without him?) and today the world mourned him.

I know this may sound lame, but I cried. And I was at work sitting next to my co-worker watching and listening on line. Luckily my back was to her most of the time.

It's interesting to hear the comparisons being made to Princess Diana's funeral on TV. I have never really told anyone this, but I started writing in a journal because of her death. In a sense, this blog is just an extension of that journal. I can't quite describe why, but I was always fascinated with the British Royal family, and especially the Princess Diana. Though I was only a teenager, I admired her for her kindness and caring attitude. Though many will only remember Michale for the accusations, or his music, I will remember his kindness. I will always remember Heal the World. I think those that are closest to him expressed pretty well what an amazing person he really was.

Anyway, I hope that eventually people will remember him not just for his music, but for his kind and giving attitude. If you think about his involvement in humanitarian aid in the 1980's and 1990's, I think you see the real MJ. Unfortunately, the 1990's saw his life filled with controversy and scandal. I can't imagine how he felt with people constantly attacking him. I can only imagine how sad he felt by giving his life to the world, only to be treated the way he was. Undoubtedly, he made mistakes, but I have to say that I personally think the man was filled only with love and kindness. To see his daughter stand before the world and declare that he was the best father, was amazing. I hope the best for his family. To think that the world has lost a star, and they have lost their father really puts things in perspective. To realize how much he went out of his way to protect his children, can be a lesson to all.

His music has always had an impact on me. I have always loved his music. I have always said that life is a soundtrack waiting to happen, and for me, there are so many of his songs which will always remind me of different parts of my life where his songs impacted me. So many people only remember Billy Jean and Thriller (which are definitely amazing songs) but there is so much more music that I think is under appreciated. The song Stranger in Moscow has made me sad to realize that how alone he felt at times, and I think in our own way, so many of us can relate to his words.

How does it feel
When you're alone
And you're cold inside

Rest in Peace MJ. I'l miss you.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Meeting the fam

So last weekend my sister was married in Utah. Max and I flew up for the wedding which was a garden wedding in Alpine, just a couple miles from where my parents live now. It was nice, and of course, the first time Max would meet all the family at once. He had previously met my parents, and all of my siblings, except for my older brother and his wife. It's crazy to think that just one year ago, I was not at all excited to go to my brother's wedding. We had not been close in years and we had a rather antagonistic relationship.

What a difference a year makes! Since coming out to this brother (as well as my other siblings), I have gotten much closer to all of them. For whatever reason, it is easier to communicate to most (maybe all) of my siblings now that I have left the LDS Church. My brother in particular was so much nicer and more pleasant to be around. And I suppose I was too. The good news: they all love Max. The bad news: they might love Max more than me. :P Oh, and Dad was a complete... well I can't think of the right word. Let's just say that Dad has a long way to go. I thought my dad was past the point where he only loved me inasmuch as I was an active Mormon, but I guess that is not the case. He pretty much ignored me and Max the whole time we were there. Actually, he did ignore Max despite the fact that we were staying in their home, and he did his best to ignore me.

I have never really had the best relationship with my dad, since he has never been very happy with my decisions. Stupid Mormons would probably say that that is why I am gay; because I have a bad relationship with my dad. Quite to the contrary, I have a bad relationship with my dad because I am gay. He was never happy with my decisions. He hated the fact that I hated playing baseball as a kid. It's too bad I had to play a sissy sport like water polo. It drove him crazy that I did not care to learn about cars, though I did drive a 1966 Mustang in high school. I even remember when I was admitted to the accounting program at BYU and he thought that it was a bad move. Pretty much, he was never happy with anything I did, except for going to church, doing missionary work, etc. Because of this, I have never felt any sort of obligation to keep my dad in the loop, and he is well aware that none of his children trust him or go to him for anything.

Oh, that reminds me, the bishop that married my sister counseled her and her husband to show their children love, or face the fact that some day their children may not want to be around them. I let out an audible laugh at that point, but Dad did not hear it because, alas, all of us kids did not sit by him at my sister's wedding. I kinda of hope that that statement hit close to home for him, because it should.

Anyway, I called my mom the day after I got home and let her know that she can tell my dad I am not the least bit interested in including him in my life if he cannot respect me, Max, my happiness, and my decisions. She said she would have a frank discussion with him before he heads back to South America in a couple of weeks. At this point in my life, I feel like I have given about as much as I can to my dad. I have tried SO many times to connect with him, but he just does not seem to care about anything in my life that is important to me. We'll see. And at this point, since everybody else in my family is so caring and supportive, I think why bother?

Considering how well I turned out despite not having a good dad, my kids are going to be so lucky to have two! =) 

Oh, and did I mention how cool my uncle is? He lives up in the bay area with his family, and flew out the morning of the wedding. He already knew about Max and I, and was excited to meet Max and talk with us. He is active in the LDS Church and it was such a relief to hear someone who was absolutely opposed to the LDS Church's involvement in Prop 8. He is very intelligent and very successful in life, and it was so nice to see that not everyone bought into the BS that the LDS Church put out about Prop 8.