I cannot even begin to describe the range of feelings and emotions that I have encountered over the past few weeks. I feel so uncertain about everything. I have never in my life been so anxious, nervous, upset, and vulnerable. I feel like I am at the beginning of the end of my life. I wish that I could just quit life, or at least drop everything in my life, move away, and start again. I guess I am disillusioned into believing that I can runaway from my problems, but alas, I know that is not true.
I really started my job with the hope that I would enjoy it, that I would excel, learn a lot, and potentially turn this into a career. I guess a couple of months ago I realized that it was not for me, and I wanted to quit immediately. I know that God has a much better plan for me. But I guess I convinced myself that I should at least stick around long enough to get the CPA. That seemed like the logical thing to do. I mean why would I just quit when I have already invested so much into getting the license. So I continued on, perhaps even briefly enjoying my job.
Well I guess God really has different plans for me. Maybe He really wants me to quit now. The past 3 weeks have been absolutely miserable for me. I have been down in San Marcos working at a client. Interesting how I used to thing traveling would be cool. I was 60 miles from my house, and I hated it. And I mean, I REALLY hated it. I was so miserable. Inasmuch as I live so far from anyone in my family, my friends mean a lot to me. I mean, I know friends are important to everybody, but because of my personal situation, I really do rely upon them a lot. So many nights down there, I considered just driving home and quitting. Well I didn't. Here's the kicker: I really liked the work I was doing, the people I was working with, and the client personnel were some of the nicest. Yet somehow, I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I feel like a wreck.
And then to top it off, they booked me back in San Marcos for all of April, and now they want me out there for March as well. Oh and did I mention Lake Havasu for 3 weeks in February? Are you getting the picture yet? Pretty much there is no work for me in Orange County, so I am having to go everywhere. And I am a little hesitant to make myself heard, because I feel like they would be ready to part with me. There are already too many people in the office, I doubt they would care if I threatened to leave.
So this all comes back to this; am I doing what I should be doing? Does Heavenly Father want me to even be here? What does he want me to do? I am so scared at the thought of leaving my job and starting something else completely different, but I really feel like that is what God wants me to do. I hope I can handle the changes that will be coming into my life. I feel like I am at the edge of my ability to handle life. Is this really what I signed up for when I came to Earth?