Thursday, October 18, 2007

What is happening?

I am not sure how to describe today. Work started out alright. Not much work to do but I still managed to keep busy for a while. Went to lunch with Kim and Nacolynn. Went back to work, with nothing to do. Bored, bored, bored, passing the day. Then Brad decides that I need to stay til 7 o'clock doing nothing. Yeah, that's right. Now I knew what I was getting into when I started working in public accounting. Late nights are apart of the job. But working late in to the evening is one thing; sitting around doing nothing is a whole other story. And yes I know that 7 is not that late.

But needless to say it frustrates me. Why on Earth would you not give me the work earlier in the day when I was asking for it. I came home a little upset, anxious, and bothered. Is this what I can expect at PwC? I thought I would be working with smart, hard-working people, but this week has made me reconsider that notion. I cannot describe how frustrated I was. I was trying so hard to be more patient, but who can be patient when you are sitting at work doing some mindless task that is unnecessary and can be done tomorrow during the day when I have nothing to do. Aahh!

OK, I'm better, I promise. Jenn called me right before I was about to leave work tonight and we talked for a while. She was asking me what she should do with Laura and I gave her my input. Then she told me something that blew me away: Trev went to church last week, and to General Conference the week before. Holy cow! I am so excited for Trev. I am sure it must be because of some girl, but I pray that Trev can at least feel the Spirit a little bit and have the desire to put his life in order now. Other than that, not too much has happened to me today.

Well, actually, the thought of pursuing a new career was cemented into my mind today. I hope that maybe it was just a brief feeling that I had because I was frustrated. I really want to like my job, but I guess I feel like I want to do something that will make a difference in the lives of others. If I could go home from work knowing that I even helped one person that day, how much more rewarding would my life be.

I about had an anxiety attack tonight. I could not study for the CPA exam, I could not think, read, or sit still. I felt like I was about to have a heart attack. I briefly wished that I would and just be put out of my misery. Why has God put me on this Earth at this time? Why does he permit me to live? What does he want me to accomplish? These questions will not leave my mind. I feel so alone right now, and so confused. I feel like my faith is faltering, while at the same time I feel like I have so many reasons to rejoice and for my testimony to be growing. I hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I hope that it is not a train.

I talked with Jared tonight about our families. He shared with me the experience of coming back to the Church and gaining faith in Jesus Christ. He told me about what it felt like to know that so many family members were praying for him. It made me realize that I do not pray for Phil very much. He sure makes it hard for me to want to pray for him, but I know that that is no excuse at all. In Matthew 5:44 Christ says: But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

Am I ready to put my belief in Christ into action? It was a part of the wakeup call that I am currently receiving. I really do love my family, but their actions towards me make it difficult for me to show my love sometimes. Am I just one of the Pharisees? It's always easy to love those that love you first. This is one thing that I need to put into action in my life. I guess that is one of the things that I admired in Tim. He loved everybody. It didn't matter who you were or where you were from or what your story was. All of these things running through my head...what will they lead me to do? I pray that God may have mercy on me and help me in this time as I strive to make myself an instrument in his hands. I guess, I need to keep life in perspective, and take it one day at a time. Tomorrow, no getting mad at people. Be patient. See people for who they are, children of a loving Heavenly Father.

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