Stranger in Moscow

So, as I have learned today, some people love him, some people don't. I love him, always have. Never believed what the tabloids said about him, and felt strongly that he had nothing but good intentions. He changed pop music forever, changed dance forever, influenced pop culture more than we will ever realize (can you imagine MTV without him?) and today the world mourned him.

I know this may sound lame, but I cried. And I was at work sitting next to my co-worker watching and listening on line. Luckily my back was to her most of the time.

It's interesting to hear the comparisons being made to Princess Diana's funeral on TV. I have never really told anyone this, but I started writing in a journal because of her death. In a sense, this blog is just an extension of that journal. I can't quite describe why, but I was always fascinated with the British Royal family, and especially the Princess Diana. Though I was only a teenager, I admired her for her kindness and caring attitude. Though many will only remember Michale for the accusations, or his music, I will remember his kindness. I will always remember Heal the World. I think those that are closest to him expressed pretty well what an amazing person he really was.

Anyway, I hope that eventually people will remember him not just for his music, but for his kind and giving attitude. If you think about his involvement in humanitarian aid in the 1980's and 1990's, I think you see the real MJ. Unfortunately, the 1990's saw his life filled with controversy and scandal. I can't imagine how he felt with people constantly attacking him. I can only imagine how sad he felt by giving his life to the world, only to be treated the way he was. Undoubtedly, he made mistakes, but I have to say that I personally think the man was filled only with love and kindness. To see his daughter stand before the world and declare that he was the best father, was amazing. I hope the best for his family. To think that the world has lost a star, and they have lost their father really puts things in perspective. To realize how much he went out of his way to protect his children, can be a lesson to all.

His music has always had an impact on me. I have always loved his music. I have always said that life is a soundtrack waiting to happen, and for me, there are so many of his songs which will always remind me of different parts of my life where his songs impacted me. So many people only remember Billy Jean and Thriller (which are definitely amazing songs) but there is so much more music that I think is under appreciated. The song Stranger in Moscow has made me sad to realize that how alone he felt at times, and I think in our own way, so many of us can relate to his words.

How does it feel
When you're alone
And you're cold inside

Rest in Peace MJ. I'l miss you.

Meeting the fam

So last weekend my sister was married in Utah. Max and I flew up for the wedding which was a garden wedding in Alpine, just a couple miles from where my parents live now. It was nice, and of course, the first time Max would meet all the family at once. He had previously met my parents, and all of my siblings, except for my older brother and his wife. It's crazy to think that just one year ago, I was not at all excited to go to my brother's wedding. We had not been close in years and we had a rather antagonistic relationship.

What a difference a year makes! Since coming out to this brother (as well as my other siblings), I have gotten much closer to all of them. For whatever reason, it is easier to communicate to most (maybe all) of my siblings now that I have left the LDS Church. My brother in particular was so much nicer and more pleasant to be around. And I suppose I was too. The good news: they all love Max. The bad news: they might love Max more than me. :P Oh, and Dad was a complete... well I can't think of the right word. Let's just say that Dad has a long way to go. I thought my dad was past the point where he only loved me inasmuch as I was an active Mormon, but I guess that is not the case. He pretty much ignored me and Max the whole time we were there. Actually, he did ignore Max despite the fact that we were staying in their home, and he did his best to ignore me.

I have never really had the best relationship with my dad, since he has never been very happy with my decisions. Stupid Mormons would probably say that that is why I am gay; because I have a bad relationship with my dad. Quite to the contrary, I have a bad relationship with my dad because I am gay. He was never happy with my decisions. He hated the fact that I hated playing baseball as a kid. It's too bad I had to play a sissy sport like water polo. It drove him crazy that I did not care to learn about cars, though I did drive a 1966 Mustang in high school. I even remember when I was admitted to the accounting program at BYU and he thought that it was a bad move. Pretty much, he was never happy with anything I did, except for going to church, doing missionary work, etc. Because of this, I have never felt any sort of obligation to keep my dad in the loop, and he is well aware that none of his children trust him or go to him for anything.

Oh, that reminds me, the bishop that married my sister counseled her and her husband to show their children love, or face the fact that some day their children may not want to be around them. I let out an audible laugh at that point, but Dad did not hear it because, alas, all of us kids did not sit by him at my sister's wedding. I kinda of hope that that statement hit close to home for him, because it should.

Anyway, I called my mom the day after I got home and let her know that she can tell my dad I am not the least bit interested in including him in my life if he cannot respect me, Max, my happiness, and my decisions. She said she would have a frank discussion with him before he heads back to South America in a couple of weeks. At this point in my life, I feel like I have given about as much as I can to my dad. I have tried SO many times to connect with him, but he just does not seem to care about anything in my life that is important to me. We'll see. And at this point, since everybody else in my family is so caring and supportive, I think why bother?

Considering how well I turned out despite not having a good dad, my kids are going to be so lucky to have two! =) 

Oh, and did I mention how cool my uncle is? He lives up in the bay area with his family, and flew out the morning of the wedding. He already knew about Max and I, and was excited to meet Max and talk with us. He is active in the LDS Church and it was such a relief to hear someone who was absolutely opposed to the LDS Church's involvement in Prop 8. He is very intelligent and very successful in life, and it was so nice to see that not everyone bought into the BS that the LDS Church put out about Prop 8.

Facing East

So Max and I went and saw Facing East tonight. For those who have not heard of it, it is a play that takes place at the grave of Andy, a gay Mormon who committed suicide. Andy's parents are left to consider what led to their son's suicide, and at the end are met by Andy's boyfriend, Marcus. I enjoyed it, and it definitely got better throughout the show. In my opinion, Carol Lynn Pearson was pretty spot on in terms of LDS culture and beliefs. I could see my mom in the character Ruth (Andy's mom) so much. I think it also helped me understand some of the thoughts that my mother has had.

One thing that I have thought about recently and that was really driven home in the play was how LDS mothers often feel. Because many LDS mothers (including my own) do not have careers outside of the home, they are very much defined by how "successful" their families. Now, my family has their fair share of crazy, but I would say overall, my mom has a lot to be proud of. 

Unfortunately, in LDS circles, my mom probably does not have a whole lot to brag about. Out of her five kids, one is married in the temple, one served a mission (me), and she has only two grandchildren. Number three is on the way, but since my sister is getting married next week, and her daughter will be born in September, that's probably not much to brag about among other Mormons. I often wonder how my mom handles that part of Utah/LDS culture. My parents have lived there for almost 3 years now, and by Mormon standards, things have gotten significantly worse. Ruth (Andy's mother in Facing East) breaks down a couple of times during the play and you see how terrified she is of being considered a "failure."

Besides the obvious tragedy of Andy's suicide, this is the other impression that Facing East left on my mind. Mormonism is not just unduly hard on gays, but I would also say mothers. The success of their families in placed on them, and any failure is usually implied to be their  fault.

Anyway, overall, I really enjoyed Facing East. There definitely were a few moments when the audience was pretty choked up, and I couldn't help but think how lucky I am to not only get out alive, but to have a relatively supportive family. I feel so blessed to be in the situation I am in, and someday when I am a little bit more established, I would really like to be able to provide a safe home for gay Mormons who feel they have no where to go. Being one who has often felt at the end of my line, it kills me to think of the gay Mormons out there that feel so desperate and torn by the paradigm thrust upon us. 

If any of you are in Southern California within the next couple of weeks, I recommend seeing the show. It is playing at the International City Theatre in Long Beach through the first weekend of July.

Moving On

About a month ago, I wrote a letter resigning my membership in the LDS Church. Don't worry, it hasn't made it out of my "My Documents" folder, yet. But the truth is, I don't really believe in Mormonism anymore, or really religion in general. I won't go into details here, but suffice it to say, I mostly see religion as a mix of cultural traditions mixed with superstitious beliefs. Religion fills a need in peoples' lives, and for many years, Mormonism did just that for me: it gave my life meaning. In more recent times, it left my life with a larger void, and I decided to opt out. 

Well on Monday night, some well-meaning members of the Goldenwest Singles Ward showed up inviting me to some activities. It's about freakin' time! I mean, I have lived here since August, and this is the first time someone stops by?! For those of you that know me well, I promise I was nice to them. :P They brought me some goodies and told me about all the great "sisters" in the ward (at which point they probably saw my eyes roll out of my head and me hold back the laughter just a bit). I told them that I had attended BYU, served a mission, and that after Prop 8 I made a decision to leave the LDS Church.  I thanked them for stopping by and they went on their way.

Later that evening I went to the gym and the little devil on my shoulder got me thinking. Maybe it would be more fun to not resign my membership, and instead to hold out and let them keep coming by. I mean, I could have some fun with these kids. But really, I think it is about time for me to move on.

I told my mom about my plans to leave the Church a few weeks ago and she seemed a little upset, but I guess I don't really see the point in waiting to be excommunicated, assuming they eventually did excommunicate me. I guess I see excommunication as something for people who still believe in Mormonism and think that they have done something wrong. Plus if they were to excommunicate me, I would not show up to any of that anyway, so I guess for me this is just the simplest thing to do. 

This post may come as a big surprise to people, but really I have thought about this a lot over the past year. Oh, and to those who say that it is okay to leave the church, now I just need to leave it alone, I promise I will leave the LDS Church alone as soon as they leave me and my legal rights alone.

On an unrelated note, if you have not read Formerly Barred's most recent post, you really need to. It may be my favorite post ever.

Thank goodness order has been restored to the kingdom

So it seems like just about everyone has made some sort of comment about Ms. California. I waited for someone to mention what I was thinking the whole time, but nobody ever did. But now that another honorable member of our society has determined that Ms. Prejean will keep her crown and her reign of terror over Californians will continue, I thought I would add my two cents because, well, I always do.

First, off let me say that I don't think what Perez Hilton said was called for. But who cares, I mean the guy is a celebrity blogger, he makes money by causing controversy. Who had even heard of him before all this mess anyway? But let's look past all the fiery words and anger, to what Ms. Prejean actually said.

When asked if she thought gay marriage should be legalized, she said, "Well I think it's great that Americans are able to choose one way or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage."

Um, what? She thinks it's great that we live in a country where people can choose? Interesting, from all of the hoopla that followed, never did I gather that she supported equal marriage rights or freedom for all.

If that is what she actually believes, then she should have had no problem clarifying that she believes that all should have the freedom to marry, but that her religious beliefs did not include gay marriage. I personally don't care what her religion says about gays. Religions have a pretty strong track record of being wrong. But if she could just follow her own belief that Americans should be able to choose one way or the other, she could have saved herself a lot of crap.

But what do we expect from someone who poses for semi-nude photos and then lies about it, has a boob job in order to improve her chances of winning a beauty competition, and then breaks multiple parts of her contract? But I for one am glad that she got to keep her crown. The last thing we need is another martyr for the anti-marriage crowd(though I am sure she considers herself on equal footing with Paul). I think anyone with an objective eye can recognize that she is pretty hypocritical in her beliefs, but oh well. At least she can now move on and focus on her royal duties, whatever those are. I am sure there is a WalMart somewhere that is having a ribbon cutting ceremony that she is attending.

For all the moms

Zion's Camp

Let me be the first to call it as it is. A few years down the road from now, when Prop 8 is just a distant bad memory that will leave many of us thinking, "Did that really happen? Here? In the Golden State?;" faithful Mormons will begin comparing the campaign against gays to Zion's Camp. 

For those that are not familiar with Zion's Camp, feel free to read up on it on Wikipedia. To give a brief synopsis, the Mormons were driven from Missouri and forced to abandon their property; Joseph Smith received a revelation that they needed to go back and fight for it; a group of 200 members (mostly men) followed Joseph Smith back to fight; after much tribulation, a couple of miracles, and a long trek back to Jackson County, Joseph Smith received a revelation that they were to head back to Ohio without redeeming Zion. Many of the members were upset and lost faith, but many of those that remained faithful became leaders in the LDS Church. Today this story is shared as a faith-promoting story about following the prophet no matter what. 

Many of those who went on Zion's Camp went back to Ohio discouraged, confused, and upset that the Lord's will did not prevail, but at last they were willing to follow the prophet.  The whole thing was just a big test. Back then, the Latter-day Saints failed to regain Zion. Today, Latter-day Saints failed to stop the sea of monogamous gays from obtaining equal protection under the law and raising their families in safety and protection.

Just wait, I promise you that you will hear gay marriage being compared to Zion's Camp in a few years from now. Either Prop 8 will be overturned by the Supreme Court, DOMA will be overturned, or Californians will vote to grant equal marriage rights, but no matter what, I don't think anybody doubts the eventual outcome. And Mormons will be left wondering, why? Well, you heard it here first. It was all God's will. Just a big test for the Mormons.

On a side note, it seems like most believe that the California Supreme Court will uphold Prop 8. If they do, I promise you that Mormons will be done funding the fight against gays and equality will prevail in time. I cannot stop thinking about the middle class LDS family in Sacramento that was interviewed by the Sacramento Bee because they had donated $50K to the Yes on 8 campaign. I am sure they will become another piece of Mormon folklore about how blessed they were, and I am sure that someday Mormons will be talking about the horrible death that gay rights activists died for going against the Saints. Hell, I may even write a book about it.