Tuesday, March 11, 2008

What next?

The past couple of days have been some of the most challenging of my life. I have been reading a lot of strangers' blogs, and thinking about my life. Let me sum it up this way: Life is not quite what I expected.

I am an active Latter-day Saint, a BYU grad, and a returned missionary. I am striving to live by my faith and I want nothing more than to meet a beautiful young woman, get married, and have a family. There is only one problem: I am gay.

I have read the blogs of a number of other gay Latter-day Saints the past few days. They have made me reflect upon my life, and what I am going to do. Over the past year or so, I have acknowledged that I will probably never get married or have a family. My faith has been wavering and going to church gets more and more difficult every week. Depression and anxiety rule my life. As I read the blogs of others in similar situations, I notice a gradual process where people fall away from the church and begin living a life contrary to what I want to believe. The thought of that happening to me terrifies me. And at the same time, I long for that other lifestyle. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I long for male companionship, that I am tired of being alone, and that I want a relationship with another guy.

But how does an otherwise "normal" (oh I hate that word) Latter-day Saint reconcile his sexual orientation with his faith? How can I have the two things that I want most when they appear mutually exclusive? I guess that is what I am going to have to decide over the next few years. I read about some gay Latter-day Saints who rationalize away the part of our faith that they do not agree with, without actually denouncing our faith. I don't think that I can do that. Either this church is 100% true, and what the modern day prophets and apostles teach is true, or it's a big lie and I am a sucker. Personal experiences in my life lead me to believe the prior.

So that is it for now. In case anyone does actually read this (which is what a blog is for, right?) I will let you know this much. I am not out to anyone, except to my mom. Reading the experiences of others gay Latter-day Saints has made me realize what a blessing it is to have a supportive and loving parent at your side. I wish I could say I had the cajones to just tell her, but she actually brought it up at a point in my life when any good parent would realize that something was terribly wrong with their child. I feel like my dad probably knows as well, but who knows if mom ever told him. Anyway, she is totally cool about it and very supportive. She recognizes that I will probably never get married, and I can tell that she has even accepted the fact that I may someday live a life contrary to her beliefs. Anyway, I am thinking about being more open about my sexual orientation with my family and close friends. This is not a burden I can bear alone any longer.

1 comment:

October Rising said...

"The thought of that happening to me terrifies me. And at the same time, I long for that other lifestyle. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I long for male companionship, that I am tired of being alone, and that I want a relationship with another guy."

I know how you feel. I've had those exact same thoughts a feelings.