Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Coming out to a few friends

The past couple of days have been very exciting. I think I mentioned on Sunday that I was going to come out to a good friend of mine (read: ex-girlfriend sort of) who I had tried so hard to be interested in. We had gone on dates and become very good friends, but trying to have an actual relationship with her always seemed impossible. A few months ago our friendship turned cold and communication between us became difficult. I will take most of the blame for that, but at the time I really was having a hard time seeing any value in our friendship, especially because I was not ready to tell her what was really going on in my life. Things have improved slowly over the past month or so, and I know that she really is one of the few people I can really trust. So I had decided to let her know what had been going on in my life.

I had already told her I wanted to talk, so after FHE ended we walked over to her car and sat inside. I started by thanking her for being a good friend to me, even when I seemed distant and upset. I went on to share with her the internal struggle that I have faced and my desires to remain active in the Church. And then I told her that I was gay. In my head she was not going to be very surprised, but man was I wrong. She was very understanding and I never once worried about her reacting badly (which she didn't), but I could have never imagined how upset it made her. She told me she was worried about me leaving the Church. I told her I have no plans of leaving the Church, but told her that the thought does cross my mind. But of course I do not want to, but sometimes reality can be hard to accept. Being alone sucks. I don't rule out marriage, but at this point in my life I really cannot imagine it happening.

She seemed so sad to hear that, and I really wonder what was going through her head. She has texted me a couple times since then, telling me that she is worried about me. Today she sent me a message asking me if we can live together if neither of us get married, so that we don't have to be alone. Hmm... maybe she didn't get the point that I don't really like women, and living with one does not entirely interest me at this point. Oh well. Overall she was very supportive and I hope that she can understand that I really appreciate her friendship, but that right now there is not a very good chance of a romantic relationship between us. I worry that she has too much on her plate as well (most of which I was completely unaware of at the time), and hope that she does not spend a lot of time worrying about me. For once, I am feeling good about myself.

So after telling her, that really only left two people who I really wanted to tell right now, my room mates. When I got home from FHE on Monday, I told them that I wanted to talk to them the next day if they had some time. We agreed to have our first (and probably last) apartment meeting. I have no idea if what they thought I wanted to talk about, but definitely once the conversation started I could see that they had no idea what I was about to tell them. I started off in a similar manner describing my desires to make good decisions in my life while struggling inside with accepting myself. Then I came out and told them. Again, I was never worried how they would accept it. They are the coolest guys I have ever lived with and are super supportive. I tried to assure them that I have not fallen in love with them, though it seemed like both of them wanted to believe that I had. (just kidding guys).

Oh and the best part? I told them about the MoHo's I had met and about my blog. They asked if they could read my blog and I said sure. Whoops. Did I wonder out loud in a recent blog if either of them were gay? Yep, sure did. Luckily they both are pretty cool and had a really good laugh about it. I mean what was I supposed to think about living with an emo and a metrosexual? They really are super understanding and it felt great to let them know what I have been going through. I felt fantastic afterwards.

So yeah, that's been the past couple of days for me. I am not really planning on telling anyone else in the near future, although I did just buy a plane ticket to surprise dad on his 60th birthday in May. Won't he be surprised? Mom doesn't really want me to tell him on his birthday, and I agree, I was going to wait til the day after. =) Oh, and I need to tell one cousin who I am close with that lives in SLC. She definitely needs to know before I have to go out on one more blind date with another of her "super-cute and single" girlfriends. Bless her heart for thinking of me.

1 comment:

david said...

I still don't get it...we're both so irresistable...