Sunday, January 20, 2008

Excuse me for the self-censorship

So I suppose the whole point of a blog is for others to read it, but I guess it never really crossed my mind that people would. After all, I told nobody of my blog, and how anyone actually came across it is a mystery to me. But anyway, I guess after I got a couple of messages from people, it scared me away from the blog for a while. Instead I have been keeping a journal in Word. I guess I am not ready to post everything on the internet, especially since a couple people have somehow discovered it. I guess I am struggling with the whole concept of opening up to people, though opening up to complete strangers is obviously not as difficult. When I started this blog, I mostly just needed a place to vent, where I could write my thoughts. I have kept a journal from the time I was 14, but I could never write as fast as I could think, and that frustrated me. So I decided to type it out, and a blog just seemed like the logical place to do it.

Anyway, before I ramble on endlessly about that, I will just say thank you for the words of encouragement from the people who left me messages. I would be lying if I said life was any better, but I feel certain that it will be. The past month was definitely the most challenging of my life, although I cannot quite figure out why. It seems like there should be some monumental event in my life that throws me into a tailspin, but I guess it was really just a self-realization that made me reconsider everything I had ever thought about myself, everything I have ever believed in, and everything which I ever hoped for out of life. I wish I could say any of those issues were resolved, but alas, they are not. But someday...someday...

One day at at time. That is really how I survive. It sounds so cliche, but now I understand what people are talking about when they say that is how they survive. For that is the current mindset that I find myself in. When I think about the future, I feel ill and want to give up. So I guess I have relegated myself to not thinking about much past the next day. It's a hard way to live. Especially for someone like me who wants to plan everything out and make all of these spectacular goals for myself. But I guess I woke up one day and realized that if I cannot make it through one more week, what is the point of planing for the future. It's a sorry way to live really, but until I can get my life back in some semblance of order, I figure there is no point in worrying about the other things.

Which makes me wonder why I continue to save for the future. If there is one thing that Americans suck at preparing for, it's their financial futures. And of course, that is the only thing that I have set up properly. I save 20% (pre-tax) every month. And for what? I have no idea. Some days I just want to go withdraw it all and go spend it. But I guess deep down inside I believe that someday I will be emotionally better and that I will actually be around for the long term.

For now though, I guess I may not be writing as much on the blog, but I will continue to write in my personal journal. I hope someday I can use the blog for what most people use it for, to keep friends and family updated on all of the big events and accomplishments in my life. I guess right now I have neither.

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