Hmmm

So now I am not so sure. I called mom this morning while driving to work. She was noticeably surprised since I usually call her only once every 10 days of so, and I talked to her for about an hour yesterday as I drove to work. But I never got around to talking about what I wanted to with her, so I called her again. Only this time, I just came out and said what I wanted to.

I guess a little background may be necessary. A little over a year ago, a series of events involving my parents moving from California to Utah, me breaking my leg (double compound fracture, perhaps a story for another day), me staying with my parents while I recovered, and me accidentally leaving my journal at my parents' house all led to my mother outing me. Coincidence? I think not. My mom came over to my house one morning a few weeks after my accident with groceries and she said she wanted to talk. She said she could tell something was wrong, and continued to hint at the fact that she knew I was gay. She continued to ask me if I knew that she would still love me even if I was gay. As I sat with tears rolling down my face, I told her I was indeed struggling with same-sex attraction. Immediately, I recognized that she had read my journal. Maybe I should have been upset. But I wasn't. I was so relieved to finally tell somebody, and to be able to be honest. I had just two weeks prior, admitted to myself for the first time that I was gay. As private as journals are, I had never been willing to admit that, until the day before I broke my leg. So that is how mom found out. Not the best story, but alas, that's how it went down.

Fast forward to today. Mom and I have not discussed my homosexuality much since then. I know she thinks about it, and prays for me, but I think she is fearful to bring it up. So this morning I called her, to ask her if she had told anybody else. You see, in my family secrets really do not exist. We know if we tell one person, we tell all, and if we really wanted it to remain a secret, we would tell nobody. I knew that when I told her, and honestly expected her to at least tell dad and my oldest sister. But this morning, she claimed to have told neither of them. Not sure if I believe her.

So anyway, I told her I wanted to tell my oldest sister this weekend. My sister is down from Sacramento with her husband and kids. She really is the only sibling of mine that I trust (more on that later too). I asked mom what she thought about me telling my sister, and mom said that she does not think that is a good idea. I got very defensive and asked why not. I told her I am so tired of keeping this a secret, like I have something to be ashamed of or to hide. I told her I see it as a trial/temptation, just the same as any other, and that there was no reason to hide it from people. I told her what a relief it was having her know, and what a strength it would be to me if others knew. Yet she still disagreed. I guess maybe I was little too optimistic about how mom would handle it. Plus, I really want to think that my siblings are bright enough to figure out by now that one thing is not quite like the others.

But anyway, so there I am, an emotional wreck sitting in traffic on the 405. It made me think that it would have been better to not even ask mom. Regardless, I think I am going to tell my sister. She has confided in me so much, and I in her. I know that she will not judge me or be upset. She has a few gay LDS friends that she grew up with and I think she would be more understanding than mom.
Hopefully I can make time to talk with her in between the beach, Disneyland, and all the other fun plans to tell her. I guess I'll just have to see.