So, the 10th commandment is a difficult one for me to understand. I honestly don't aspire to have wealth and power; yet I find myself coveting the apparent ease and happiness that others have. David is pretty much the coolest room mate I have ever had, and yet inside it bothers me how everything seems to go so smoothly in his life. It seems to me that he has never not received what he wants. He seems to have it all. He dates awesome girls, he seems to always be doing something fun, and yet he manages to find time for it all. I don't know why that bothers me, but it really does. I guess I feel like my life is so empty and that I am constantly trying to do what is right, and yet my life is going nowhere.
I know I need to reread Elder Wirthlin's General Conference talk from a few years ago. It was called One Step at a Time. I need to remember that life is not a race to be won, and that God will not be ranking his children and judging us against others, but he will judge us for who we are and what we have. So easy to say, so difficult to live by. I guess in my own misery, I wish others would suffer too. As if that brings me any sort of happiness. My life seems like one eternal struggle while David appears to be cruising through life doing whatever he wants whenever he wants to. I guess life is just not fair. And I guess I want to believe that he has his own struggles and trials, but I tell you what, it sure does not seem like it.
Here is another dilemma I have. I really find it easy to make friends and be social. I feel like I could be friends with anyone I wanted to. And in this ward, I guess I feel like that means I could be apart of the cool crowd, whatever that means. And yet I find myself wanting to shun that, because I know what it feels like to be the one who is left out. That is where I have found myself throughout most of my life when it comes to the church social groups: on the outside. So here I am wanting to have good friends and just be apart of that crowd that I know I could be apart of, and yet I desire more to make others feel welcome. It just sucks because that is always the more difficult choice and often means that I do not have as much fun.
Another thing, why the heck do I not have any desire to date? I long for companionship, but I think I am terrified of what that might entail. For some reason, the older I get, the less and less dating I want to do. I want to get married (I think) but I feel like it is not worth it if I have to continue playing this game. Some days, well most days, I feel like I am okay with the concept of it being my last. I am not sure what it wrong with me right now, but I know that I am not happy with where my life is, and I struggle to honestly grasp what it is I really want. The answer that I find myself saying constantly is that I want to be a worthy and active Latter-day Saint. I feel like that is what I want. But is it truly what I want most? And if it isn't well than what the heck is? If I break it down into individual components, it is what I want. I do not desire worldly lusts of drugs, alcohol, or immorality. I don't want worldly possessions and more than anything, I want to help and serve others. I believe very strongly in my faith, I know that God lives and that Jesus Christ is my Savior. I know that I am a member of the true church of Jesus Christ. I cannot deny the impressions of the Holy Ghost. Yet somehow, I doubt whether or not I really want this. How empty would my life be without it? I guess I just don't know what to think anymore. I feel so overwhelmed and hopeless.