Monday, November 19, 2007

Thou Shalt Not Covet

So, the 10th commandment is a difficult one for me to understand. I honestly don't aspire to have wealth and power; yet I find myself coveting the apparent ease and happiness that others have. David is pretty much the coolest room mate I have ever had, and yet inside it bothers me how everything seems to go so smoothly in his life. It seems to me that he has never not received what he wants. He seems to have it all. He dates awesome girls, he seems to always be doing something fun, and yet he manages to find time for it all. I don't know why that bothers me, but it really does. I guess I feel like my life is so empty and that I am constantly trying to do what is right, and yet my life is going nowhere.

I know I need to reread Elder Wirthlin's General Conference talk from a few years ago. It was called One Step at a Time. I need to remember that life is not a race to be won, and that God will not be ranking his children and judging us against others, but he will judge us for who we are and what we have. So easy to say, so difficult to live by. I guess in my own misery, I wish others would suffer too. As if that brings me any sort of happiness. My life seems like one eternal struggle while David appears to be cruising through life doing whatever he wants whenever he wants to. I guess life is just not fair. And I guess I want to believe that he has his own struggles and trials, but I tell you what, it sure does not seem like it.

Here is another dilemma I have. I really find it easy to make friends and be social. I feel like I could be friends with anyone I wanted to. And in this ward, I guess I feel like that means I could be apart of the cool crowd, whatever that means. And yet I find myself wanting to shun that, because I know what it feels like to be the one who is left out. That is where I have found myself throughout most of my life when it comes to the church social groups: on the outside. So here I am wanting to have good friends and just be apart of that crowd that I know I could be apart of, and yet I desire more to make others feel welcome. It just sucks because that is always the more difficult choice and often means that I do not have as much fun.

Another thing, why the heck do I not have any desire to date? I long for companionship, but I think I am terrified of what that might entail. For some reason, the older I get, the less and less dating I want to do. I want to get married (I think) but I feel like it is not worth it if I have to continue playing this game. Some days, well most days, I feel like I am okay with the concept of it being my last. I am not sure what it wrong with me right now, but I know that I am not happy with where my life is, and I struggle to honestly grasp what it is I really want. The answer that I find myself saying constantly is that I want to be a worthy and active Latter-day Saint. I feel like that is what I want. But is it truly what I want most? And if it isn't well than what the heck is? If I break it down into individual components, it is what I want. I do not desire worldly lusts of drugs, alcohol, or immorality. I don't want worldly possessions and more than anything, I want to help and serve others. I believe very strongly in my faith, I know that God lives and that Jesus Christ is my Savior. I know that I am a member of the true church of Jesus Christ. I cannot deny the impressions of the Holy Ghost. Yet somehow, I doubt whether or not I really want this. How empty would my life be without it? I guess I just don't know what to think anymore. I feel so overwhelmed and hopeless.

2 comments:

elusive said...

I don't know why people seem to look for their aim/motive in life. God has bestowed his gift of life on you, and when He did that, all He wanted from you was to be Happy. Your aim in life is to be happy my dear.
Anything that we do, we aim to be successful in our careers, we aim to marry the best partner we could get - we do it all with one plain motive in mind - to be happy. Don't think so much of what life expects from you. Don't expect a lot from yourself. Don't pressurize yourself. Love yourself for what you are. For what you are capable of. Be yourself. David is probable in his best phase of life. Everyone has his share of ups and downs. I know you don't intend to compare your situation with david, but we humans have a tendency to unknowingly do so. Do what you really enjoy doing. Many of us (trust me MANNYYY) are stuck up with jobs we just don't enjoy. I myself come under this category. But I have made it my way to earn my bread and butter. The rest of the time is all devoted to myself. I do things that I enjoy. I sing, paint, dance, watch movies. You can do stuff that you really enjoy. Men attach too much importance to their career, the jobs that they do. I guess ok, fine that;s ok, but don't obssess with your career. It occupies just one small pie of your life. Do you like children? What you could do is visit orphanages and play with them! I do it, and trust me nothing can be a better stress-buster.
OK, this is the longest comment I have ever typed!anyway..cheers to u.

elusive said...

here I comment again..
About the dating thing..I think you are kinda scared of dating, thinking too much about what your date might think of you as a person..are you a perfectionist? This is a trait seen among perfectionists who expect too much out of themselves. Relax. Don't put yourself into any judgement box, start dating, if not willingly, do it complusively, you will soon start enjoying it. Even if you don't date a person with the purpose of dating, do it with the intent of socialising. It always helps. Being around good, positive people will deifnately help you in lifting your spirits up.
And hey-if u hate advice, especially unsolicited advice, don't read my comments, coz they are full of tat shit :D