Thursday, November 29, 2007

Tell me the meaning, the meaning of life

I feel like I should know the purpose of life. I understand that we are children of God, and that he has given us life on earth to learn and to progress to become like him. Yet, I guess I am struggling to understand how this applies to my life. The struggles I am called to face here on Earth are almost too much for me right now. Each day it is harder for me to even get out of bed in the morning. My life really does seem meaningless and trite. I wish I could get my life back in order, but right now I am really struggling to even want to.

I cannot describe this feeling of emptiness that has overcome me in the recent weeks. I find myself becoming a person that I do not like. And yet the harder I try to live the teachings of Jesus Christ, the less happy I seem to be at this time. I am not sure what I need in my life right now, but I really need something to wake me up.

Today at work, Anne and I took a break and went for a walk to get out and get some fresh air. Right when we got out of the office she started talking about how she does not like work and how she wants to just quit and go live in a third world country and live with the people there. I found myself agreeing with her a lot. I told her that I agreed that working for a public accounting firm and living in Orange County cannot be the most important thing on Earth. But if this is not what I am supposed to be doing, what is? I feel like I should be married soon and raising a family, yet I seriously doubt that I will ever marry and have a family. I wanted to tell Anne everything I believe about the plan of salvation, but for some reason, I was struggling to convince myself in that moment that I believed it.

Somehow, my life has gotten severely off track. Somehow, naively, I thought that life would be better when I graduated and started working. What a joke. I think I was initially way happier and progressing really well. But suddenly I find myself depressed, angry, and confused. Does deliverance never arrive? I have always known that if you cannot be happy in one place or doing one thing, you never will be happy. But somehow I convinced myself into believing that life would be better when I was working and out of Utah.

I'm going to stop typing now. I am not even sure what I am rambling on about. Something is wrong with me.

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