Monday, November 12, 2007


I am not sure that I will ever be "normal." I am not sure what that means, but I am pretty sure that I do not qualify, and I'm pretty sure that everyone feels that way. I guess what is bothering me right now though is that I feel so out of place. I feel so alone, and so discouraged, yet I continue to push away those who care and are trying to help. I am not quite sure who I want to help me, but for some reason those that are trying are not the right ones.

I feel like I am going through some sort of identity crisis. I feel like I am getting closer to accepting myself for who I am, yet at the same time, I want so badly to be something else. My personal beliefs and my faith tell me that I can become someone great and that my potential is limitless. I don't want to just accept myself, I want to strive each day to be a better person. I want to reach my fullest potential. I don't want to be complacent. Yet, I feel so exhausted, so unhappy, and so done. I feel about ready to give up sometimes.

And I guess what is hardest is that I don't have anyone to turn to. It's funny, I really can't remember the last time I talked to somebody in my family, except for a few superficial conversations here and there. I feel like they have no idea what is going on in my life and they have no idea who I am. What would happen if I died? Again, I feel like the only people who would know would be my co-workers, and even then, they would have no way of finding out. I hate being alone. I hate having nobody in whom I can confide. I just wish I would die sometimes.

I don't think I mean that. I hope I don't mean that. But seriously, what am I living for? Does my life have any sort of purpose? Tonight, I went to a Tri-Stake YSA FHE. A younger woman spoke about losing her husband a couple of years ago and the challenges that she has faced in coping with her loss and how her faith has been strengthened. Though my story is nothing like hers, she reminded me of myself. The emptiness that she has felt and the longing for peace. I felt a desire to improve my life and fill my life with service, but I find it so hard to continue. My life is a hoax. Nobody actually knows me. I am great at putting on a show when needed. How I wish I could just have one friend, one person in whom I could trust. Do I even know myself?

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