I have never really made New Year's resolutions, and 2010 will be no exception. I think for many people it works, but to me it just seems silly to make goals that typically last about one month. That's not to say I am not making and attaining goals in my life, just that I don't see much value in doing it once a year only. So this year, I did not make a New Year's resolution to write on my blog more. Mostly, because part of me thinks if I don't want to write, why should I. But there has been a lot on my mind recently that I felt the need to share with a bunch of people I don't know, and a few that do.
Too bad right now I can't remember what any of that was, so I will just give a brief update for now, and hopefully this won't be my last blog for months.
My personal life has never been better. Max and I will have been together two years this March, so I guess right now that makes it about 22 months. Sometimes it seems so surreal. It certainly has gone by quickly and I have started to understand how 2 years can quickly become 15 or 50. I think if you had asked me two years ago if I thought I would ever be this happy, I would have said no. I do recall writing somewhere back at the beginning of my blog, before I even addressed my being gay, that I thought that my life would be very different in a couple of years, and it is. The biggest change? I am happy. My life has meaning now and I feel that all of the other aspects of life that I used to worry about, just seem like minor events in the course of my life.
Work, although I still don't love my job, is way more tolerable now that it seems like I am doing it for a reason. There is a reason for my future, a reason to work too many hours, and at least now there is something to make me smile when I get home. Loneliness and anxiety have been replaced in my life with love and friendship. In addition to Max, my friendships with others have become stronger, I have made many new friends, and I feel generally more concerned with others. That feeling of being emotionally void is long gone.
My relationship with my family has also improved. While at my parents house in 2008 for Christmas, I told my mom that I enjoyed coming home, but would not be doing so alone anymore (she knew about Max, but at that time he was not talked about much). I told her she could make the decision as to whether or I would come home anymore, since it was her home. Well Mom and Dad progressed quickly and we stayed with my parents twice during the summer, and had invites to stay at both sets of parents' homes for Christmas 2009. We ended up staying with my sister because there was the most room there. While both sets of parents still have a ways to go in terms of mutual respect, understanding, and objectivity, in terms of our relationship, it is clear that both parents understand that we will be in each others' lives for a while, and both families love and accept us. His parents even came over to my parents house during the holiday break and his older sister was down here this weekend for Max's birthday.
One last thing. I suppose it it clear from my previous posts that Mormonism has finally freed me from its grasp. I know many mohos would not use those terms to describe the event of leaving Mormonism, but it best describes the way I feel about it. I think I have mentioned earlier my general disposal of what I consider to be all things superstitious, but suffice it to say I don't believe in any of it. I don't really feel like an atheist, because even that seems unnecessary. To me it is quite liberating to watch a 2 hours special today on the evolution of the planet, mammals, and humans without having to try to understand how that all fits into this Judeo-Christian paradigm that I grew up with, because well, it's all nonsense. I don't mean that as an assault on anyone's beliefs, but that is just where I am at.
OK, one more thing (yes, I know I said that before), but I guess this is one other area in which I have recently evolved. Growing up in California, and being "brain-washed" from an early age in all things liberal, I was doomed from the start to ever be one of those "neo-con" patriots as I call them. And now I have finally come to the point where I can say this without fear: I don't like America. I don't care for the culture, the vast majority of the people, the obsession with wealth, religion, and power. I am over it. I used to joke that I was just in "like" with America (as opposed to being in love), but let's be real: if I could convince Max to leave this country tomorrow, we would be on the first flight to anywhere. Our trip at the end of 2009 to Sydney and New Zealand really just solidified that idea into me, and I have finally disconnected from this country enough that I no longer really care what goes on here. It's been an interesting journey for sure, since we are constantly reminded that we live in the wealthiest and most powerful country on the planet. It's just a shame that wealth and power don't add up to much else. Oh well. Being disconnected from here makes it a little bit more enjoyable since I don't get wound up by either political party's charades anymore. That being said, I still follow closely the events in my home state and find my self mildly interested in what goes on here. Some of my future blogs may address what is going on here politically, but not much nationally interests me.
So that is it for now, hopefully this blog doesn't remain so dormant this year, with perhaps a wider array of topics being discussed.