Families are Forever: Part 2

So, last summer I wrote a pretty nasty blog about my family. While it was pretty honest and what I felt at the time, I decided it's just a bit much, even for me. :P I deleted it.

For those of you that are inclined to believe such things as "God works in mysterious ways," well I have a good one for you. To sum it up, my family is not close. While all of my siblings are relatively close with our parents, and growing up we were are all pretty close, since moving out, we all kind of went our own way. Well, after a good decade of all us us kind of doing our own thing, I think things are going to start changing.

I'm not sure if I had indicated earlier, but despite coming out to my parents a while ago, none of my siblings knew I was gay. And it was okay in my mind because we weren't' all that close anyway. I only ever talked to my oldest sister on the phone (maybe every couple of months), and other than that I never talked to the others. They didn't call me, I didn't call them, no emails were exchanged, nada. At Christmas, we would all see each other for no more than 2 days, and then be back to our own lives.

Well, last year before the election, I came out to my oldest sister. Then in early March I came out to my younger brother, then to my other sister, and finally about a week ago I came out to my older brother. Needless to say, they are all supportive (and not the phony Mormon supportive kind). Luckily, all of my siblings are smart enough to understand that people don't choose to be gay, and me marrying a woman is not the best thing to do. For once in my life, I can say I was so glad to have non-active siblings. While I probably used to view them as unhappy because they were not active in church, I no longer believe that. 

But anyway, the circumstances under which I came out to all of my siblings were different, but it was definitely the right time for each one of them. It goes without saying that we all have challenges in life, and none of my siblings have been able to confide in each other, and especially not me, the golden, returned missionary, BYU grad, loves-the-Church-sibling. All 4 of my siblings said the same thing after I came out to them. "Derrick, I feel closer to you right now that I ever have in my life."

Suddenly, my older brother who has NEVER called me that I can remember, called just to say hello and see what we were up to and to ask a question about his camera (we have the same one). Suddenly, my younger brother who likewise has never really called me (though I do get an email about every 8 months), starts texting me and telling me to call him. My other sister who I have drifted from in the past few years starts talking to me on g chat regularly, and phone calls with my oldest sister increase in frequency.

Hmm, if I had realized that me being gay would have brought us closer together, I would have gone gay a decade ago. =) All of my siblings are now asking when I am going to come visit with Max, and wanted me to send pics and info about a him. So Mom, in case you are still wondering why you have a gay son, you now have the answer, it is to bring your family back together. God works in mysterious ways...

Wedding Invites

So my friend, Violet, and I frequently discuss political issues and issues related to gay rights at work over instant messenger. She is a hard-core Republican, evangelical Christian, who was born and raised in Texas. Get the picture?

I came out to her almost a year ago, and she has been surprisingly supportive at times. We have had MAJOR disagreements about gay marriage and just about every other political topic under the rainbow. She knows about Max and she knows that things are relatively serious between us. She got married last summer, and unfortunately, I was not able to make it to the wedding in Dallas. I regularly joke with her about when she is going to have a baby, and she asks me when Max and I are getting married.

Well, I think we have joked plenty about when I would be sending out the wedding invites and she is always making sure that she would be receiving one, and I think typically I have just kind of said yes. But the other day, I was honest with her. I told her that I would likely never invite her, knowing that she was actually opposed to my marriage.

Ooh, was she mad. She asked me why, and I probably did not answer that the right way. I told her because I have self-respect. I told her I would never invite somebody to my wedding that I knew was actually opposed to me marrying the person I love (instead of say, marrying a woman which is the "right" thing to do).

Since then, she has been trying to convince me that she is not opposed to me marrying Max or gay families in general.  Yet when I asked her if a proposition similar to Prop 8 was placed on the ballot in Virginia, where she is now living, she indicated that she would vote for it. I'm not going to lie, that's ridiculous to me. To say that you support me and want me to be happy, but then vote to invalidate gay families is, well, hypocritical. Maybe I am being too sensitive. But honestly, that is the same BS I get from a lot of my Mormon "friends." They want me to be happy but then they donate money and time to Prop 8. It's like they think I can't actually be happy and that they are doing me a favor by preventing me from destroying society anymore.

I just don't know what to say to her. I feel like she is sincere in saying that she wants me to be happy, but how am I supposed to buy that when she is opposed to gay marriage and gay rights in general? Not that it made her feel any better, but I assured her that I have way more "friends" that are not on the invitee list than are. (Oh, this might be a good time to disclose that Max and I are NOT currently planning a wedding, this is really just discussion).

So I just have to ask, how do others feel? I guess I just tire of all these "friends" who want me to be happy but then do everything they can to ensure that I am not allowed the same legal protections that they are. Am I being unreasonable for just being honest with these people in telling them that if I were to get married, I would not want them there? I mean, I would still consider them friends and even go visit them, but I just don't feel like I need that on what should be a special day for me, my family, and friends. 

Thoughts?

I am a lazy blogger...

So a couple of people have asked me recently why I stopped writing on my blog. I guess I never really feel like I started writing. My blogging has usually been pretty sporadic at best, but I guess I will just give a brief update.

As promised back in November, I stopped attending Church. Actually, now that I think about it, I really only went once between August and Novmeber anyway, but needless to say I have only gone once since Election Day, and that was at Christmas. My mom already knew I wasn't going, but if she wanted me to go with her and my dad, I could easily agree to go to a ward where neither they or I knew anybody (my parents have been Church service misssionaries ever since moving to Utah and don't attend their neighborhood ward, alhtough we did go to their "home ward" that week).

So where does thil leave me? Strangely, happier than ever. I was always too terrified to stop going to Church because I was almost certain that I would be miserable outside the Church. I'm not going to lie, I was happy going to Church and enjoyed it for the most part(despite never having any LDS friends). I never really did it because I felt obligated to, but legitamately enjoyed attending Church activities, the temple (I went almost weekly for most of the time after my mision), and particiapting in other Church activities. But that could only last as long as I pretended to be who they wanted me to be. And as long as my loneliness could be ignored when I was too preoccupied with school. But since I am now done with school and working way too many hours in public accounting, I long for what so many other long for, companionship, love, and a purpose for life. The Church would tell me to forget myself and serve others...apparently viewing same-sex relationships as a waste and contributing nothing to society. If I can't fit their mold for a family, they would rather I have two callings and go to the temple more. And while, those are valid activities, and perhaps others can actually fill their life with that, a new phase in my life began in which I was no longer able to go it alone. And more importatntly, I did not want to. I chose love and companioship over loneliness and depression (Mormons read: I chose Satan over Jesus, I know that's what you're all thinking). :P

But anyway, I am not super angry at the Chuch or anything (though I won't think twice about pointing out some of the hypocrisy in their practices), I am just done with it. I appreciate all the positive things it was able to contribute to my life, and for the friends and experiences it has provided me with (though I am learning that many of those "friends" weren't real anyway). Luckily, many of them are real friends and I am even closer with some of them since there is no more lying and BSing with each other. Many are way more willing to open up to me now that I have to them, and I feel like I am in a better position to actually help others. It's amazing how many people open up to you when they no longer see you as "perfect," which is what so many Latter-day Saints want to be perceived as, drivng away others in their quest for perfection (or at least perception of perfection).

So anyway, not that it is anyone else's business, but I am coming up on one year of dating (and 8 months of living with) someone that I legitimately love and want to build a life with. For once in  my life, I understand why people get married. You see, when gay men pretend to like women and they date them, it's more like a chore. Once you date someone you are actually attracted to physically and emotionally, dating becomes fun. It was like, oh, this is why people live with each other. Duh.

Anywho, so that is where I am at right now. My family is coming to terms with all of this. My oldest sister (who I know reads this, hi Jenn!) has been very loving and accepting towards (hmm, I am not sure he wants me to disclose his identity, so he can remain annonous for now....) Mr. X, and I love her for that. Mom and Dad are coming to grips with it (I hope) and I came out to my younger brother and as expected, he is indifferent, so now I just need to tell two more siblings, neither of whom I think will be surprised, and neither of whom will react poorly.

When I look back on my older blog posts, I see an angst ridden, emotionally unstable person, who is no more. For once, I feel like my future looks bright. My job is WAY more tolerable now, and I almost might go as far as to say that I enjoy it. I look forward to having a family some day (Mr. X and I are always arguning over who gets to stay home with the kids, and who has to keep working; I think I am losing that fight so far...)

This week the Supreme Court of California is hearing arguments on Prop 8, and I guess at this point, I don't want to get too optimistic. Either way, the fight for equality is far from over, and I no longer plan on being passive about it all. Anyone who is friends with me on Facebook knows I stopped being passive about this a while ago. I will try to keep this blog slightly more up to date, but no promises. This one was for you Steph.

Too little, too late

The Church released a statement today about Prop 8 and the other ballot initiatives against gay marriage.

I guess all I can say, is that for me it is too little too late. I don't rule out returning to the Church someday, but I won't be there in the immediate future.

A couple lines I find interesting...

"Allegations of bigotry or persecution made against the Church were and are simply wrong. " But I guess those made (and still being made) against the other side must be true and right.

"Voting choices by Latter-day Saints, like all other people, are influenced by their own unique experiences and circumstances." Too bad this was never mentioned before. My unique experiences and circumstances were never a valid reason before for me deciding to vote no.

"No one on any side of the question should be vilified, intimidated, harassed or subject to erroneous information. " It's too bad that during the campaign the Church could not have been more vocal in advocating against erroneous information that ultimately led to the passage of Prop 8.

That's all. Just how I feel right now.

Feeling Sad

So today was the first time in my life, where I just did not go to Church. All week long I have been bombarded by "Yes on 8" invitations on Facebook, emails, and reminders that my church feels it is okay to deny others the freedom to live their lives according to their desires and beliefs. As Sunday neared, and I remembered that thousands of Latter-day Saints would be fasting today that Prop 8 would pass, I about had an anxiety attack. Part of me really wanted to go. To stand up for what I believe in. To see what would really happen in testimony meeting. And to let people know that some Latter-day Saints are not in favor of Prop 8. Instead, I stayed home. The thought of seeing people that I ordinarily would respect and love, stand up and spread lies about Prop 8, made me want to vomit.

How is it the one thing that used to be the only constant in my life, the only source of peace, has suddenly become the biggest source of anxiety and sadness. I remember writing about one year ago that I was not sure where my life would be one year from then, and I guess I was right.

I have talked with a lot of my LDS friends about my feelings about Prop 8, and this morning I realized why the Yes on 8 people are using lies and fear to spread their message. It's pretty simple really: it's the only way that they are going to win. See once you speak with someone about the facts surrounding the issue, and they realize that the arguments in favor or Prop 8 that they are hearing are BS, most Latter-day Saints are only left with one reason to vote yes on Prop 8. And that is that the Church has asked them to. At which point there is not a whole lot else I can say. But this made me realize something. This is why they have resorted to spreading lies and fear, because you can't win an election in California just because the LDS Church wants people to vote a certain way. Yeah, in Utah the Church can say, "vote this way" on an issue and trust that it will go they way they want, but here in California where we only make up about 2% of the population, that just doesn't work. So instead you ensure that the 2% are going to vote a certain way, and then send them out to spread lies and create panic among their neighbors. Really, it's a genius strategy.

And this is exactly what has happened this past week. In case you did not hear, Prop 8 polls show it now has more supporters than those who oppose the proposition. And why you may ask? Because suddenly this is not a campaign about gays being able to get married, it is about freedom or religion and what the kids will be taught in school. I guess the strategy is to distract the voters by telling them that somehow monogamous gays are going to take away their right to practice their religion. It's genius really when you think about it. Sadly, most people will fall for it.

For those that have not already read it, I recommend reading an article posted by Morris A. Thurston about the inaccuracies in Prop 8 literature. I have shared this with a close friend of mine who is an attorney and knows Thurston personally, and had the following to say about him: "As for Thurston and his article above--my family knows him well, and he's a nice, if not absent-minded, guy. Actual lawyers reading his article are snorting milk through their nose." I guess I feel like I should let you know what an actual attorney thinks about him, but then again, that is just her opinion. If you want to read about her legal stuff (that I don't understand very well, so it could all just be lies) go ahead and read it here.

I guess name-calling is the easy way to not respond to the issues. Seems to work well in politics. She argued that there is no guarantee that religion will not be effected by permitting gay marriage to continue, which come to think of it, either did I. My big issue is the absolute bullshit that passes as fact. My concern is that an organization that is so concerned with truth as the Church is, is encouraging lies and deception to be used to convince people to vote yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. The Church is not the one doing this, it is the Prop 8 folks, but let's be real, they're the same people. The Church did this very well. Instead of getting officially involved in an issue that they are legally allowed to, they would rather have its members do it so that they do not have to take any blame for the way campaign is run, when in reality, they are orchestrating the whole thing. I mean really, setting up a phone bank in Utah so that members there can make calls to Californians?

So I guess, this will probably be the first of about 104 posts I make about Prop 8, but I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. Next time I promise not to be so scatter-brained and random, but I guess right now I am just upset that I feel so attacked by my church. Oh, but on a better note, I talked to my parents about Prop 8, and was VERY surprised to hear from my parents (especially my dad) that they think the way the Church is handling this is awful and that ultimately the Church will end up regretting this, similar to the civil rights fight of the 1950's and 1960's. My dad also was sickened to hear how much money is being wasted on this stupid campaign. It's pretty amazing what good could be done with $25M. But instead it is being squandered on a hateful campaign to not recognize others' families and impose a certain belief on others.

Well that is all, I don't know if anyone reads this, but there will probably be a lot more showing up here in the next few weeks...

Prop 8

Where do I start. It's been over a month since they read the letter in Sacrament Meeting encouraging members to support Proposition 8. A week before they read the letter, I had already read a copy of it, and even before that, I expected a letter of some sort. I remember all too well the Prop 22 days. I was only 17 at the time, but I remember clearly a couple Sundays when things got pretty nasty. I propose right now that we suspend Testimony Sunday until after November.

But anyway, I guess I am writing this to just vocalize my thoughts and feelings about the whole thing. My first reaction to the letter being read was sadness. I was surprised at how emotional I got as they read the letter. For the first time in my life, I felt like the church and belief system that I had always lived and loved, was now working against me. I remember sitting there next to my room mate, Pete, and just feeling sick to my stomach. I was surprised at how much it hurt. I suddenly felt like an outsider being attacked. But instead of an enemy, it was the faith that had brought me so much joy and peace, was suddenly overwhelming me with anxiety and sorrow. To give the bishop credit, he read it tactfully, and sat down without adding anything else. I went home that day with a lot on my mind.

A couple weeks passed, and I, perhaps naively, hoped that that was the last of it that I would have to hear. I suspected that in a family ward more would be said/done on the subject, but I kind of hoped that in a singles ward, where people are occupied with so many other things, that that would be the last of Prop 8. It was mentioned here and there again in passing, but nothing much was ever discussed on the subject.

Then yesterday in Sacrament Meeting the High Councilor and his wife were both asked to speak on the subject. To give them credit, they did it in a very tactful, and roundabout way. Perhaps the Bishop/Stake President asked them to tread lightly knowing that there are a number of people in the ward who are gay or struggle with SSA, SGA, or however they define themselves. But despite even the best intentions, I was hurt. I felt like I was being attacked. I'm being asked to support a cause which will only cause more pain and sorrow among people who are gay. This type of rhetoric in my opinion only further encourages hate and discrimination. I know the Church officially discourages these types of behaviors, but something has to be said for how the members act and why they apparently feel that it is okay to treat others in the hateful and disrespecful ways that they sometimes do.

During their talks, I again felt surprised at how hurt I was and how sad I was. The speakers really were trying to be tactful, but the underlying message was still there. When Sacrament Meeting ended, I made a beeline for the door. I didn't make it far before a couple of people in the ward stopped me to ask me how I was doing. I put my sunglasses on to hide my eyes which were starting to tear up. I ended the conversations with them as soon as possible, and then headed out the door. By the time I got to my car I was pretty shaken up. I really was having a hard time with this. I went home and went back to bed. I felt sick.

After a good long nap yesteday, I woke up feeling a lot better. I know that nothing was meant to be offensive, but I guess I just wish the Church would just let the issue be. I have no doubt that the vast majority of the members of the Church would support the amendment regardless, so why must they be so vocal in their support of it?

Today seemed like it was going to be better until I got an email from the ward indicating that tonight's FHE was going to be given by the Bishop and that it would be a special presntation on Prop 8. Ugh. OK, not that I always go to FHE anyway, but suddenly the anxiety was coming back. I just wish they wouldn't turn this into a "moral issue." What about every other moral issue that the Church remains silent on. Oh well, in a few months it will all be over. And if Californians vote how I hope they do, things might be a little different in a few months.

Addiction

So, from reading other Moho's blogs, I have noticed that many others have the same addiction problem I do. The cycle seems to repeat over and over. I struggle with the self-indulgence for a while (and I can't lie, I always love the temporary excitement and pleasure), but then I find myself beating myself up over it. I get depressed, I wish I could just stop, I hate myself, etc, etc. After struggling with it for a while, I finally reach a point where I have the self-control to stop. I stop cold-turkey; and I last a few days, a few weeks, or sometimes even a few months. This last fast lasted a whopping 4 months (that might be a new record for me). I thought I had finally rid myself of this addiction. But alas, old habits die hard, and this habit had unfortunately gotten an early start in my life. Probably too early. I'm embarrassed to admit how old I was the first time I took part in this transgression.

So last week I had a rough week. Work was not going well and I was stressed about some upcoming things I have to do. I was anxious and upset, and a moment of weakness had arrived. There I was at the store, and of course something on the shelf caught my eye. Before I knew it, I had put it in basket. I hoped nobody had seen me put it int he basket as shame engulfed me. Of course I get to the checkout, and the worst part has yet to come. I try not to make eye contact with the cashier as I make my purchase. My mind races as I drive home and I can't wait to open it up and partake of the empty enjoyment.

I got home, tore it open and threw the self-control out the window. It felt good, I'm not going to lie. Especially after 4 months, it was so good to treat myself to one of my guilty pleasures. Yes, after 4 long months, there was once again Chips Ahoy in the house. I am so addicted to cookies! :P