The life of just one

So this is how rumors begin

2010-08-08T23:41:00.001-07:00

Ever heard that Steve Martin is Mormon? Or Alice Cooper? Or Christina Aguilera? Yeah, well, this is how these types of rumors get started, except this one is true.

I don't blog much anymore, but my last post was about my newfound love of RuPaul's Drag Race, and at the end of that post I proposed that Raven was going to win it all. Well, she ended up with second (I was quite upset over it all, but oh well, from what I can tell, people love her WAY more).

Anyway, she (or he I suppose, his real name is David) is from Riverside, CA so we see him occasionally at clubs in West Hollywood or around town. Well, I have had a little bit of a crush on him and finally yesterday we talked to him for about 20 minutes at the beach, and guess who was raised Mormon? Yep. You heard it here first, Raven was raised Mormon. In fact his mom is RS president and his stepdad is in the elders quorum presidency in Victorville. I knew there was a reason I loved that bitch so much.

Gentleman, start your engines...

2010-02-17T22:59:00.000-08:00

So I was contemplating the other day the various phases I have gone through in terms of accepting myself, and not being afraid of who I am. When I first accepted that I was gay and then came out to family and friends, I always felt this need to add a disclaimer that I was never going to be "one of those gays." Not that my music collection wasn't already overrun with Pet Shop Boys and Madonna, nor my swimsuit drawer filled with skimpy bathing suits, or my mannerisms, well perhaps a little flamboyant. But for some reason I wanted to convince myself and others that I wasn't "that gay."

Gay pride parades? No thanks. Gay bars and clubs? Never. Every time I learned something about gay society that I previously was unaware of, I was almost proud of being ignorant of these segments of gay culture. Well let me just say it now, I love RuPaul's Drag Race. I am seriously in love with this show. Ever since the first West Hollywood Costume Caranval that Max and I attended, I have been mildly fascinated with drag culture and I think RuPaul's Drag Race is fantastic.

After I watched a couple of episodes of season 2, I realized that I was quite ignorant of RuPaul and I became curious of how he became famous. I remember knowing about him since I was a kid, so I did a little internet research to find out where he got his start. I was quite surprised by what I learned about him from Wikipedia, but even more fascinating was an interview I found online that he had given a couple years back. Based on what I have read, RuPaul appears to be a very intelligent and articulate person. I don't know why I would have assumed anything else, but I guess I had my own preconceived ideas of what kind of person he was. The following dialogue I found especially interesting as it relates to my own person experiences. DS is the interviewer, and RP is RuPaul:

DS: It seems like years ago, and my recollection might be fuzzy, but it seems like I read a mainstream media piece that talked about how you wanted to break out of the RuPaul 'character' and be seen as more than just RuPaul.

RP: Well, RuPaul is my real name and that’s who I am and who I have always been. There’s the product RuPaul that I have sold in business. Does the product feel like it’s been put into a box? Could you be more clear? It’s a hard question to answer.

DS: That you wanted to be seen as more than just RuPaul the drag queen, but also for the man and versatile artist that you are.

RP: That’s not on target. What other people think of me is not my business. What I do is what I do. How people see me doesn’t change what I decide to do. I don’t choose projects so people don’t see me as one thing or another. I choose projects that excite me. I think the problem is that people refuse to understand what drag is outside of their own belief system. A friend of mine recently did the Oprah show about transgendered youth. It was obvious that we, as a culture, have a hard time trying to understand the difference between a drag queen, transsexual, and a transgender, yet we find it very easy to know the difference between the American baseball league and the National baseball league, when they are both so similar. We’ll learn the difference to that. One of my hobbies is to research and go underneath ideas to discover why certain ones stay in place while others do not. Like Adam and Eve, which is a flimsy fairytale story, yet it is something that people believe; what, exactly, keeps it in place?

DS: What keeps people from knowing the difference between what is real and important, and what is not?

RP: Our belief systems. If you are a Christian then your belief system doesn’t allow for transgender or any of those things, and you then are going to have a vested interest in not understanding that. Why? Because if one peg in your belief system doesn’t work or doesn’t fit, the whole thing will crumble. So some people won’t understand the difference between a transvestite and transsexual. They will not understand that no matter how hard you force them to because it will mean deconstructing their whole belief system. If they understand Adam and Eve is a parable or fairytale, they then have to rethink their entire belief system.

As to me being seen as whatever, I was more likely commenting on the phenomenon of our culture. I am creative, and I am all of those things you mention, and doing one thing out there and people seeing it, it doesn’t matter if people know all that about me or not.

I really think he is spot on in his assessment of religious people and is quite accurate for many Mormons, at least it was for me. Also, the idea that people refuse to get to know people because it will require them to deconstruct their false ideas is something that I have encountered quite often. Overall, I was quite impressed with what he said.

Anyway, if you don't get Logo, I recommend that you go online and watch the shows, I promise they are not as icky as you were raised to believe, and the show overall is very entertaining. Oh, and you heard it here first, Raven is going to win the race. She is absolutely beautiful, and if you have seen the show and know me, you will know why I love her so much.

Can someone please pass the Kool-Aid?

2010-02-11T23:36:00.000-08:00

A kid from one of my wards in Provo posted today on Facebook that his mission in Italy is being consolidated into a neighboring mission. Below his post, he had a link to a letter which was written from the mission president to the missionaries currently serving in the mission. After reading the letter I almost fell out of my chair laughing.

Was I really ever that deficient that I would have read that letter and thought it was great to see a mission closing? Yeah, probably. Not some of my proudest days.

In unrelated news, Boston Scientific announced the consolidation of two of its business units in order to cut costs amid declining revenues.

I don't hate Mormons (that much)

2010-02-06T16:46:00.000-08:00

So more than a few people have accused me of being anti-Mormon, or angry, or whatever your favorite term for people who leave the LDS religion but cannot leave it alone is. While I understand that those who know me from my blog will definitely see me as someone who wants nothing more than displeasure for the LDS religion and its leaders, those who know me better know that my disdain is widespread for all organizations who push their agendas in favor of the greater good and do so through deceitful and dishonest (though often legal) means.

Of course, I am obviously very familiar with the LDS religion after having spent all of my life in it until I was 25. And I do have very strong feelings against that religion for exactly that reason, I spent many years in it, and for many years I like most Mormons refused to look at it objectively. I was an avid defender of that so-called "faith." Realizing that the leaders of my religion were just like the leaders of every other organization, in that they are ultimately concerned with their power and place in society, was well, disheartening. I had always wanted to believe that I was part of the greater good, and after getting a glimpse of how the LDS religion really works on the inside, I was a little disenfranchised. That being said, I am opposed to any organization that lies and covers up its motives and uses the loose disclosure requirements in the US to push its agenda.

Anyway, now on to the point of today's post. Many people have probably heard that testimony in the federal challenge against Prop 8 ended recently, and Judge Walker (you know, the judicial activist, flaming-liberal Republican originally nominated by Reagan and then appointed by Gerorge H. W. Bush) is now reviewing the evidence before closing statements are made. Unfortunately, the SCOTUS blocked the YouTube broadcast of the trial which would have been a very eye-opening experience for many Americans, to finally see how absolutely stupid and baseless the "arguments" in favor or Prop 8 really are. Most proponents of Prop 8 can't seem to get over their "we've voted on it twice, just let it be!" argument to understand that the Constitution provides equal protection for all citizens, regardless of what the will of the masses is.

I followed much of the trial via live blogging on prop8trialtracker.com, and later read most of the transcripts on equalrightsfoundation.org. They are very revealing not just about the general motivations of the Proponents of Prop 8, but also the close ties between certain organizations, and protectmarriage.com, the official organization behind Prop 8. So with that being said, let's analyze some of the documents entered into as evidence during the trial and compare those with the PR statements of the LDS religion that were released during the election of 2008.

The following records were read into the court record on Day 7 of the trial, and you can check them out for yourself.

On Page 1608, beginning in line 23, a letter from the Catholic Conference of Bishops to the bishops within the conference states:"Of course, this campaign owes an enormous debt to the LDS Church. I will comment specifically at a later time, under separate cover, about their financial, organizational, and management contribution to the success of the effort. The ProtectMarriage.com campaign has surpassed $37 million in donations."

On page 1622, line 9, an internal memo from Mark Jannson, who is on the LDS Church's Public Affairs Committee, we learn the following: "Since the First Presidency letter was read in every ward throughout California last month, I have been frequently asked what our role in Public Affairs will be in the Prop 8 campaign." Continuing on line 20, "As you know from the First Presidency letter, this campaign is entirely under the priesthood direction - in concert with leaders of many other faiths and community groups forming part of the ProtectMarraige.com Coalition. I believe [name redacted] will be the LDS chair for all of California."

Page 1623, line 8 continues, "All of us working in public affairs will simply stand by and prepare to be anxiously engaged, like all citizens and lay members, when that time comes." Line 17 continues, "What is the next step in this campaign? I understand that all grass roots organizing efforts in OC will be led by Gary Lawrence, who will report directly to the ProtectMarriage.com Coalition leaders." Gary Lawrence is an member of the LDS religion who owns a polling company in Orange County.

Page 1627, line 11 continues with, "He has also been hired by the coalition to do polling work for Prop 8. The main California grass roots leaders are in the process of being called as, "area directors," with the responsibility for areas that generally correspond to each of the 17 LDS coordinating councils for the LDS mission boundaries. Thereafter, priesthood leaders will call local prop coordinators over each stake and leaders by zip code within each ward - potentially working not only with LDS, but also LDS volunteers."

Let's compare those internal documents with the statements publicly made by the LDS PR department: "the Church accepted an invitation to participate in ProtectMarriage, a coalition of churches, organizations, and individuals sponsoring a November ballot measure, Proposition 8, that would amend the California state constitution to ensure that only a marriage between a man and a woman would be legally recognized" (from the so-called Divine Institution of Marriage document put out by the LDS PR department).

The day after the election, they released another statement that, "before [the LDS religion] accepted the invitation to join broad-based coalitions for the amendments..."

Both statements have a similar theme of implying that the LDS religion was just part of a coalition, not leading it. Based on the internal documents released during the trial, this is clearly not the case.

I am not going to go on and on about this, because I think it is clear that the LDS religion played a big role in Prop 8, and not just because the Mormons did a good job, but because the LDS religion was orchestrating the entire effort. If the LDS religion would own up to this, I would probably let it be, but they won't. They continue to cover their tracks by pushing their money through organizations like "National Organization for Marriage" which does not have to report its contributions. I know that practicing Mormons refuse to believe it, and those who do will justify that it is all legal, and that their religion has the "right" to do what it does, all of which I am not disputing. The LDS church has not broken any laws, but that's not saying much. Most of the politicking that goes on in this country is entirely legally. But that does not make it right. And I always hoped that an organization that claims to be inspired and from a higher source would be above it all. Prop 8 has helped me realize what most others already knew, that the LDS religion is like any other.

I don't make New Year's Resloutions

2010-01-17T18:29:00.000-08:00

I have never really made New Year's resolutions, and 2010 will be no exception. I think for many people it works, but to me it just seems silly to make goals that typically last about one month. That's not to say I am not making and attaining goals in my life, just that I don't see much value in doing it once a year only. So this year, I did not make a New Year's resolution to write on my blog more. Mostly, because part of me thinks if I don't want to write, why should I. But there has been a lot on my mind recently that I felt the need to share with a bunch of people I don't know, and a few that do.

Too bad right now I can't remember what any of that was, so I will just give a brief update for now, and hopefully this won't be my last blog for months.

My personal life has never been better. Max and I will have been together two years this March, so I guess right now that makes it about 22 months. Sometimes it seems so surreal. It certainly has gone by quickly and I have started to understand how 2 years can quickly become 15 or 50. I think if you had asked me two years ago if I thought I would ever be this happy, I would have said no. I do recall writing somewhere back at the beginning of my blog, before I even addressed my being gay, that I thought that my life would be very different in a couple of years, and it is. The biggest change? I am happy. My life has meaning now and I feel that all of the other aspects of life that I used to worry about, just seem like minor events in the course of my life.

Work, although I still don't love my job, is way more tolerable now that it seems like I am doing it for a reason. There is a reason for my future, a reason to work too many hours, and at least now there is something to make me smile when I get home. Loneliness and anxiety have been replaced in my life with love and friendship. In addition to Max, my friendships with others have become stronger, I have made many new friends, and I feel generally more concerned with others. That feeling of being emotionally void is long gone.

My relationship with my family has also improved. While at my parents house in 2008 for Christmas, I told my mom that I enjoyed coming home, but would not be doing so alone anymore (she knew about Max, but at that time he was not talked about much). I told her she could make the decision as to whether or I would come home anymore, since it was her home. Well Mom and Dad progressed quickly and we stayed with my parents twice during the summer, and had invites to stay at both sets of parents' homes for Christmas 2009. We ended up staying with my sister because there was the most room there. While both sets of parents still have a ways to go in terms of mutual respect, understanding, and objectivity, in terms of our relationship, it is clear that both parents understand that we will be in each others' lives for a while, and both families love and accept us. His parents even came over to my parents house during the holiday break and his older sister was down here this weekend for Max's birthday.

One last thing. I suppose it it clear from my previous posts that Mormonism has finally freed me from its grasp. I know many mohos would not use those terms to describe the event of leaving Mormonism, but it best describes the way I feel about it. I think I have mentioned earlier my general disposal of what I consider to be all things superstitious, but suffice it to say I don't believe in any of it. I don't really feel like an atheist, because even that seems unnecessary. To me it is quite liberating to watch a 2 hours special today on the evolution of the planet, mammals, and humans without having to try to understand how that all fits into this Judeo-Christian paradigm that I grew up with, because well, it's all nonsense. I don't mean that as an assault on anyone's beliefs, but that is just where I am at.

OK, one more thing (yes, I know I said that before), but I guess this is one other area in which I have recently evolved. Growing up in California, and being "brain-washed" from an early age in all things liberal, I was doomed from the start to ever be one of those "neo-con" patriots as I call them. And now I have finally come to the point where I can say this without fear: I don't like America. I don't care for the culture, the vast majority of the people, the obsession with wealth, religion, and power. I am over it. I used to joke that I was just in "like" with America (as opposed to being in love), but let's be real: if I could convince Max to leave this country tomorrow, we would be on the first flight to anywhere. Our trip at the end of 2009 to Sydney and New Zealand really just solidified that idea into me, and I have finally disconnected from this country enough that I no longer really care what goes on here. It's been an interesting journey for sure, since we are constantly reminded that we live in the wealthiest and most powerful country on the planet. It's just a shame that wealth and power don't add up to much else. Oh well. Being disconnected from here makes it a little bit more enjoyable since I don't get wound up by either political party's charades anymore. That being said, I still follow closely the events in my home state and find my self mildly interested in what goes on here. Some of my future blogs may address what is going on here politically, but not much nationally interests me.

So that is it for now, hopefully this blog doesn't remain so dormant this year, with perhaps a wider array of topics being discussed.

Not all who wander are lost

2009-10-13T23:07:00.000-07:00

Scott posted about the 10 steps to apostasy a few days ago on his blog. Well, apostasy from the LDS religion at least. I remember I used to be terrified that I would someday apostatize. You see, I lived my life in the Mormon paradigm. The true paradigm. The only way to be happy paradigm. The trouble is, I was miserable. Mormonism thrives on the belief that you will be happy if you follow their prescribed set of rules. Well, a quick read of any moho's blog will indicate pretty well the type of misery, loneliness, and anxiety that Mormonism fills gay people with. But when you believe that that is the only way to be happy, you stick with it. Oh, and you believe all the rest of it as well, but I am pretty convinced that fear of the unknown is what keeps not just gay people, but many people in Mormonism.

So when I see things like the 10 steps to apostasy, I just laugh. Oh, and I thank someone (not sure who atheists typically thank, but in this case I will thank Max) that I am no longer bound by such superstitious and self-destructive thoughts. But I can't forget that easily the fear and paranoia that was instilled in me at such a young age. Mormons sure hate gay people, but I am all but certain that they hate apostates more. I mean, these are people who had the "light" and left it all because they wanted the easy route. Or they lost faith. Or they never had any. Or they are wicked people. You see, nobody can leave Mormonism because they realize it is false, because Mormonism is the only true church. It's genius. Convince people not to think on their own and you will pretty much trap them for life as they are unable to fathom that it's all a lie.

Anyway, I am not going to go on and on forever about this, I mostly just wanted to re-create the 10 steps to apostasy from a different view point. I know Mormons will just see this as evidence of my apostasy, but oh well. I know where they are at. I was there for many years of my life. I refused to look at Mormonism objectively, and I was certain that people who left the religion were miserable and unhappy misers. Plus, they always left the church, but couldn't leave it alone (Note to readers: I will leave Mormonism alone as soon as they leave my legal rights alone).

Anyway, if I had created the 10 steps to apostasy, I would have made 12 of them because I would feel better about having completed a 12-step program, but alas, there are only 10. Maybe I will take up drinking and then go to AA meetings so that I can complete the 12-step program.

Here are the 10 steps to overcoming Mormonism(or any set of superstitious beliefs for that matter):

1. Find a cleave point.

2. Elevate that point to your brain, and analyze it objectively and rationally.

3. Seek out other objective thinkers and discuss the cleave point.

4. Search for evidence about the cleave point to validate/invalidate it.

5. Leverage that cleave point as a wedge between you and superstition/mythology.

6. Start serving in valuable opportunities in your community.

7. Publicly denounce superstitions and myths.

8. Publicly denounce false teachers and leaders.

9. Get the hell out of the church.

10. Let truth and happiness fill your life. Build honest relationships with friends and family. Expand your network beyond self-righteous hypocrites.

Oh, and one other interesting point. I am pretty sure that Mormons get people to join their religion by using the 10 steps to apostasy. Well, that and manipulation, propaganda lies, the 3 pillars of the "true Church."

More lies from the LDS Church

2009-10-07T18:44:00.000-07:00

The Church does not object to rights (already established in California) regarding hospitalization and medical care, fair housing and employment rights, or probate rights, so long as these do not infringe on the integrity of the family or the constitutional rights of churches and their adherents to administer and practice their religion free from government interference. (Divine Institution of Marriage)

Legislation introduced on January 28, 2009 and passed by the [Washington] Senate on March 10, the [Washington] House on April 15, and sent to Gov. Gregoire on April 23, aims to extend the laws to encompass all state–level benefits of marriage. The new legislation would amend many of Washington's laws and place domestic partnership on an equal footing with civil marriage. Some of the additions to the 2009 SRDP laws include:

The right to use sick leave to care for a domestic partner
The right to wages and benefits when a domestic partner is injured, and to unpaid wages upon the death of a domestic partner
The right to unemployment and disability insurance benefits
The right to workers’ compensation coverage
Insurance rights, including rights under group policies, policy rights after the death of a domestic partner, conversion rights and continuing coverage rights
Rights related to adoption, child custody and child support
Business succession rights. (Wikipedia)

And then the LDS Church produces this commercial on behalf of the Protect [Heterosexual] Marriage Washington group.

So the state of Washington wants to grant all of its residents equal rights, (but not marriage), and suddenly the LDS Church is opposed. I wish I was surprised by the LDS Church's lies, but I'm not. In case you didn't recognize the artwork used in the commercial, they are LDS paintings. In fact, the Adam and Eve painting is copyrighted by the LDS Church. Don't tell me they are not involved. Just more of the same from the Mormons, and sadly what we have come to expect.

Oh, and the first person to tell me how rejecting equal rights for gay and lesbian families "protects children" wins a prize.

Alternative Conference Report

2009-10-06T22:46:00.000-07:00

So, it goes without saying that this year's Alternative Conference was absolutely fabulous. All who came were welcomed with open arms and all were edified.

This year's group included Max, John, El Genio, and me. We had all sorts of fun, and I admonish all moho's to put it down on their calendar right now for next year. Whenever we go to Disneyland we usually play spot the Mormon (they stand out pretty easily), and sadly and much to my surprise, we didn't really see any this weekend. I knew it was general conference, but I halfway expected to see a few dozen there. I was ready to call them out and ask why they were not at conference. Too bad. Oh wait, John's mom did meet us for lunch on Sunday at Downtown Disney. That was the only "practicing" Mormon I saw the whole weekend, but I guess I have to question one's devoutness when you are eating and shopping with three queers on the super bowl of Sundays.

Music for this conference was provided by the 80z All Starz who rocked it out all night at the Tomorrowland Terrace. The closing number really made me think. They covered "We're Not Gonna Take it Anymore" by Twisted Sister. As I listened to the lyrics, it really made me think that it should be the theme song for the gay rights movement. Too many gay people are passive to the whole thing and only seem willing to sit back and allow the menacing heterosexual agenda to take away our freedom and liberty and to impose their sectarian beliefs on our nation. I think fair-minded people across our country, both gay and straight, need to stand up against oppressive organizations who strive to take away the rights and liberties of others. I will allow you all to ponder this song's powerful message:

We've got the right to choose and there ain't no way we'll lose it
This is our life, this is our song
We'll fight the powers that be just, don't pick our destiny 'cause
You don't know us, you don't belong

Both days were filled with outstanding messages of encouragement, love, and acceptance (note, these concepts may be foreign to many Mormons reading this). We saw and interacted with many others throughout the weekend. A strong sense of fellowship was felt by all.

Oh, and don't even get me started on my pin trading experience. I know, seriously, who actually wears one of those lanyards around their neck with pins? Well, I do. And I had SO much fun trading with others. I got the cutest Mickey Mouse pin you can imagine.

Anyway, I won't go into too much detail so as to make you all upset for missing it, but I will just end with an invitation for all of you to come and see.

Oh what the hell

2009-09-30T23:40:00.000-07:00

So I really was not sure I should post this, but oh well. Here goes.

Masturbation was always such a taboo topic in Mormon families, and quite honestly, I don't think I have ever heard the work mentioned in my house, and except for a few of the "serious" lessons in Priesthood where it was mentioned but not discussed, I never heard it at Church. I honestly don't think it is bad, and I think any damage caused by it is more or less related to the guilt that many religions associate with a normal action.

Anyway, here are a couple of honest thoughts about it:

I am sure nobody will believe this, but I am dead serious: I masturbated before I even knew what it was, and that is was "bad." I was always a smart guy, and didn't really have many guy friends that would talk about that kind of stuff, but I guess I just figured it out on my own. I grew up very naive. I am not kidding that I was masturbating for about 2 years before I had heard the word, and before I knew it was "bad." I was probably not even 12 the first time I did it. Needless to say, I felt awful about it, but never went very long without masturbating from the time I was about 12 to 24. I always joked to myself, if they didn't want me to do it, they should have told me that before I was already hooked. I guess that is an outcome of Mormon culture.

So yeah, all you mathematicians can figure out that I did not make it very long on my mission without pleasuring myself. In fact, I lasted about 8 days into the MTC, but if you can believe it, I did last about 5 months at one point on my mission, but then I honestly just stop caring about it. The only bishop that ever asked me about it was my freshman bishop at BYU and he asked me during the mission interview. I told him I had it under control, which I guess may have been a lie, but I never did it unless I wanted to. =)

Anyway, I continued beating myself up over it (no pun intended) through my years at BYU, and was "tempted" way more during my lame pursuits of dating girls. I eventually decided that I was not worthy to go to the temple and stopped attending. Before that I had gone weekly since returning from my mission. I later began attending at least monthly again.

Fast forward to today....

Since meeting Max, I don't even think about, let alone do it. The whole thing seems trivial now (you know, Satan has lulled me away and stuff), and I just have to laugh that I ever was so distressed over it. I think for many years I did it because it felt good, but then for many more years I did it because I felt a huge void in my life. I think that masturbation and pornography can both stem from certain unmet human needs (Mormonism calls those needs the "natural man" and that you must overcome them). I know that many believe that those "needs" will go away once a man marries a woman, but hearing about the countless stories of heartache caused by men who still look at porn and/or masturbate during marriage seems to indicate that that is not the case for many. Who knows, this is just me thinking out loud really.

But I guess if masturbation is so bad, it's just a good thing that I don't do it anymore.

For Immediate Release

2009-09-29T13:07:00.001-07:00

Alternative Conference set for Oct. 3-4

The Official Gay Agenda

Tuesday, Sep. 29, 2009

The 12th Annual Alternative Conference of the Latter-gay church, to which all members are invited, will convene at the Disneyland Resort in Anaheim, California, on Saturday and Sunday, Oct. 3 and 4, 2009, with general sessions held at Disneyland on Saturday at 8 a.m. and California Adventure on Sunday at 10 a.m. Pacific Standard Time.

A special pre-Conference Pride Cocktail hour will be held on Friday, Oct. 2, 2009, at 5 p.m. PST at the Grand Californian Hotel.

In those areas where members of the church can conveniently attend the conference in Anaheim, or participate via radio, television, satellite or Internet transmission at www.gaydaysanaheim.com, they should be encouraged to do so. Under these circumstances the usual Sunday meetings need not be held on Oct. 4.

In areas where only one Sunday session is broadcast, local leaders have the option to adjust meeting schedules or, where appropriate, to rearrange the agenda of regularly scheduled meetings to permit their members to listen to or watch alternative conference by radio, television, satellite or Internet transmission.

This and that

2009-09-28T21:05:00.001-07:00

I wrote the letter months ago, but it just sat in my "My Documents" folder. I needed an excuse to finally send my resignation letter in. Check.

Next I needed an excuse to never step foot on their property again. Check.

My to do list is getting shorter and shorter.

Stranger in Moscow

2009-07-07T20:52:00.000-07:00

So, as I have learned today, some people love him, some people don't. I love him, always have. Never believed what the tabloids said about him, and felt strongly that he had nothing but good intentions. He changed pop music forever, changed dance forever, influenced pop culture more than we will ever realize (can you imagine MTV without him?) and today the world mourned him.

I know this may sound lame, but I cried. And I was at work sitting next to my co-worker watching and listening on line. Luckily my back was to her most of the time.

It's interesting to hear the comparisons being made to Princess Diana's funeral on TV. I have never really told anyone this, but I started writing in a journal because of her death. In a sense, this blog is just an extension of that journal. I can't quite describe why, but I was always fascinated with the British Royal family, and especially the Princess Diana. Though I was only a teenager, I admired her for her kindness and caring attitude. Though many will only remember Michale for the accusations, or his music, I will remember his kindness. I will always remember Heal the World. I think those that are closest to him expressed pretty well what an amazing person he really was.

Anyway, I hope that eventually people will remember him not just for his music, but for his kind and giving attitude. If you think about his involvement in humanitarian aid in the 1980's and 1990's, I think you see the real MJ. Unfortunately, the 1990's saw his life filled with controversy and scandal. I can't imagine how he felt with people constantly attacking him. I can only imagine how sad he felt by giving his life to the world, only to be treated the way he was. Undoubtedly, he made mistakes, but I have to say that I personally think the man was filled only with love and kindness. To see his daughter stand before the world and declare that he was the best father, was amazing. I hope the best for his family. To think that the world has lost a star, and they have lost their father really puts things in perspective. To realize how much he went out of his way to protect his children, can be a lesson to all.

His music has always had an impact on me. I have always loved his music. I have always said that life is a soundtrack waiting to happen, and for me, there are so many of his songs which will always remind me of different parts of my life where his songs impacted me. So many people only remember Billy Jean and Thriller (which are definitely amazing songs) but there is so much more music that I think is under appreciated. The song Stranger in Moscow has made me sad to realize that how alone he felt at times, and I think in our own way, so many of us can relate to his words.

How does it feel
When you're alone
And you're cold inside

Rest in Peace MJ. I'l miss you.

Meeting the fam

2009-07-04T00:16:00.000-07:00

So last weekend my sister was married in Utah. Max and I flew up for the wedding which was a garden wedding in Alpine, just a couple miles from where my parents live now. It was nice, and of course, the first time Max would meet all the family at once. He had previously met my parents, and all of my siblings, except for my older brother and his wife. It's crazy to think that just one year ago, I was not at all excited to go to my brother's wedding. We had not been close in years and we had a rather antagonistic relationship.

What a difference a year makes! Since coming out to this brother (as well as my other siblings), I have gotten much closer to all of them. For whatever reason, it is easier to communicate to most (maybe all) of my siblings now that I have left the LDS Church. My brother in particular was so much nicer and more pleasant to be around. And I suppose I was too. The good news: they all love Max. The bad news: they might love Max more than me. :P Oh, and Dad was a complete... well I can't think of the right word. Let's just say that Dad has a long way to go. I thought my dad was past the point where he only loved me inasmuch as I was an active Mormon, but I guess that is not the case. He pretty much ignored me and Max the whole time we were there. Actually, he did ignore Max despite the fact that we were staying in their home, and he did his best to ignore me.

I have never really had the best relationship with my dad, since he has never been very happy with my decisions. Stupid Mormons would probably say that that is why I am gay; because I have a bad relationship with my dad. Quite to the contrary, I have a bad relationship with my dad because I am gay. He was never happy with my decisions. He hated the fact that I hated playing baseball as a kid. It's too bad I had to play a sissy sport like water polo. It drove him crazy that I did not care to learn about cars, though I did drive a 1966 Mustang in high school. I even remember when I was admitted to the accounting program at BYU and he thought that it was a bad move. Pretty much, he was never happy with anything I did, except for going to church, doing missionary work, etc. Because of this, I have never felt any sort of obligation to keep my dad in the loop, and he is well aware that none of his children trust him or go to him for anything.

Oh, that reminds me, the bishop that married my sister counseled her and her husband to show their children love, or face the fact that some day their children may not want to be around them. I let out an audible laugh at that point, but Dad did not hear it because, alas, all of us kids did not sit by him at my sister's wedding. I kinda of hope that that statement hit close to home for him, because it should.

Anyway, I called my mom the day after I got home and let her know that she can tell my dad I am not the least bit interested in including him in my life if he cannot respect me, Max, my happiness, and my decisions. She said she would have a frank discussion with him before he heads back to South America in a couple of weeks. At this point in my life, I feel like I have given about as much as I can to my dad. I have tried SO many times to connect with him, but he just does not seem to care about anything in my life that is important to me. We'll see. And at this point, since everybody else in my family is so caring and supportive, I think why bother?

Considering how well I turned out despite not having a good dad, my kids are going to be so lucky to have two! =)

Oh, and did I mention how cool my uncle is? He lives up in the bay area with his family, and flew out the morning of the wedding. He already knew about Max and I, and was excited to meet Max and talk with us. He is active in the LDS Church and it was such a relief to hear someone who was absolutely opposed to the LDS Church's involvement in Prop 8. He is very intelligent and very successful in life, and it was so nice to see that not everyone bought into the BS that the LDS Church put out about Prop 8.

Facing East

2009-06-18T22:28:00.000-07:00

So Max and I went and saw Facing East tonight. For those who have not heard of it, it is a play that takes place at the grave of Andy, a gay Mormon who committed suicide. Andy's parents are left to consider what led to their son's suicide, and at the end are met by Andy's boyfriend, Marcus. I enjoyed it, and it definitely got better throughout the show. In my opinion, Carol Lynn Pearson was pretty spot on in terms of LDS culture and beliefs. I could see my mom in the character Ruth (Andy's mom) so much. I think it also helped me understand some of the thoughts that my mother has had.

One thing that I have thought about recently and that was really driven home in the play was how LDS mothers often feel. Because many LDS mothers (including my own) do not have careers outside of the home, they are very much defined by how "successful" their families. Now, my family has their fair share of crazy, but I would say overall, my mom has a lot to be proud of.

Unfortunately, in LDS circles, my mom probably does not have a whole lot to brag about. Out of her five kids, one is married in the temple, one served a mission (me), and she has only two grandchildren. Number three is on the way, but since my sister is getting married next week, and her daughter will be born in September, that's probably not much to brag about among other Mormons. I often wonder how my mom handles that part of Utah/LDS culture. My parents have lived there for almost 3 years now, and by Mormon standards, things have gotten significantly worse. Ruth (Andy's mother in Facing East) breaks down a couple of times during the play and you see how terrified she is of being considered a "failure."

Besides the obvious tragedy of Andy's suicide, this is the other impression that Facing East left on my mind. Mormonism is not just unduly hard on gays, but I would also say mothers. The success of their families in placed on them, and any failure is usually implied to be their fault.

Anyway, overall, I really enjoyed Facing East. There definitely were a few moments when the audience was pretty choked up, and I couldn't help but think how lucky I am to not only get out alive, but to have a relatively supportive family. I feel so blessed to be in the situation I am in, and someday when I am a little bit more established, I would really like to be able to provide a safe home for gay Mormons who feel they have no where to go. Being one who has often felt at the end of my line, it kills me to think of the gay Mormons out there that feel so desperate and torn by the paradigm thrust upon us.

If any of you are in Southern California within the next couple of weeks, I recommend seeing the show. It is playing at the International City Theatre in Long Beach through the first weekend of July.

Moving On

2009-06-17T13:21:00.000-07:00

About a month ago, I wrote a letter resigning my membership in the LDS Church. Don't worry, it hasn't made it out of my "My Documents" folder, yet. But the truth is, I don't really believe in Mormonism anymore, or really religion in general. I won't go into details here, but suffice it to say, I mostly see religion as a mix of cultural traditions mixed with superstitious beliefs. Religion fills a need in peoples' lives, and for many years, Mormonism did just that for me: it gave my life meaning. In more recent times, it left my life with a larger void, and I decided to opt out.

Well on Monday night, some well-meaning members of the Goldenwest Singles Ward showed up inviting me to some activities. It's about freakin' time! I mean, I have lived here since August, and this is the first time someone stops by?! For those of you that know me well, I promise I was nice to them. :P They brought me some goodies and told me about all the great "sisters" in the ward (at which point they probably saw my eyes roll out of my head and me hold back the laughter just a bit). I told them that I had attended BYU, served a mission, and that after Prop 8 I made a decision to leave the LDS Church. I thanked them for stopping by and they went on their way.

Later that evening I went to the gym and the little devil on my shoulder got me thinking. Maybe it would be more fun to not resign my membership, and instead to hold out and let them keep coming by. I mean, I could have some fun with these kids. But really, I think it is about time for me to move on.

I told my mom about my plans to leave the Church a few weeks ago and she seemed a little upset, but I guess I don't really see the point in waiting to be excommunicated, assuming they eventually did excommunicate me. I guess I see excommunication as something for people who still believe in Mormonism and think that they have done something wrong. Plus if they were to excommunicate me, I would not show up to any of that anyway, so I guess for me this is just the simplest thing to do.

This post may come as a big surprise to people, but really I have thought about this a lot over the past year. Oh, and to those who say that it is okay to leave the church, now I just need to leave it alone, I promise I will leave the LDS Church alone as soon as they leave me and my legal rights alone.

On an unrelated note, if you have not read Formerly Barred's most recent post, you really need to. It may be my favorite post ever.

Thank goodness order has been restored to the kingdom

2009-05-12T22:09:00.000-07:00

So it seems like just about everyone has made some sort of comment about Ms. California. I waited for someone to mention what I was thinking the whole time, but nobody ever did. But now that another honorable member of our society has determined that Ms. Prejean will keep her crown and her reign of terror over Californians will continue, I thought I would add my two cents because, well, I always do.

First, off let me say that I don't think what Perez Hilton said was called for. But who cares, I mean the guy is a celebrity blogger, he makes money by causing controversy. Who had even heard of him before all this mess anyway? But let's look past all the fiery words and anger, to what Ms. Prejean actually said.

When asked if she thought gay marriage should be legalized, she said, "Well I think it's great that Americans are able to choose one way or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage."

Um, what? She thinks it's great that we live in a country where people can choose? Interesting, from all of the hoopla that followed, never did I gather that she supported equal marriage rights or freedom for all.

If that is what she actually believes, then she should have had no problem clarifying that she believes that all should have the freedom to marry, but that her religious beliefs did not include gay marriage. I personally don't care what her religion says about gays. Religions have a pretty strong track record of being wrong. But if she could just follow her own belief that Americans should be able to choose one way or the other, she could have saved herself a lot of crap.

But what do we expect from someone who poses for semi-nude photos and then lies about it, has a boob job in order to improve her chances of winning a beauty competition, and then breaks multiple parts of her contract? But I for one am glad that she got to keep her crown. The last thing we need is another martyr for the anti-marriage crowd(though I am sure she considers herself on equal footing with Paul). I think anyone with an objective eye can recognize that she is pretty hypocritical in her beliefs, but oh well. At least she can now move on and focus on her royal duties, whatever those are. I am sure there is a WalMart somewhere that is having a ribbon cutting ceremony that she is attending.

For all the moms

2009-05-10T13:49:00.000-07:00

Zion's Camp

2009-05-06T00:12:00.000-07:00

Let me be the first to call it as it is. A few years down the road from now, when Prop 8 is just a distant bad memory that will leave many of us thinking, "Did that really happen? Here? In the Golden State?;" faithful Mormons will begin comparing the campaign against gays to Zion's Camp.

For those that are not familiar with Zion's Camp, feel free to read up on it on Wikipedia. To give a brief synopsis, the Mormons were driven from Missouri and forced to abandon their property; Joseph Smith received a revelation that they needed to go back and fight for it; a group of 200 members (mostly men) followed Joseph Smith back to fight; after much tribulation, a couple of miracles, and a long trek back to Jackson County, Joseph Smith received a revelation that they were to head back to Ohio without redeeming Zion. Many of the members were upset and lost faith, but many of those that remained faithful became leaders in the LDS Church. Today this story is shared as a faith-promoting story about following the prophet no matter what.

Many of those who went on Zion's Camp went back to Ohio discouraged, confused, and upset that the Lord's will did not prevail, but at last they were willing to follow the prophet. The whole thing was just a big test. Back then, the Latter-day Saints failed to regain Zion. Today, Latter-day Saints failed to stop the sea of monogamous gays from obtaining equal protection under the law and raising their families in safety and protection.

Just wait, I promise you that you will hear gay marriage being compared to Zion's Camp in a few years from now. Either Prop 8 will be overturned by the Supreme Court, DOMA will be overturned, or Californians will vote to grant equal marriage rights, but no matter what, I don't think anybody doubts the eventual outcome. And Mormons will be left wondering, why? Well, you heard it here first. It was all God's will. Just a big test for the Mormons.

On a side note, it seems like most believe that the California Supreme Court will uphold Prop 8. If they do, I promise you that Mormons will be done funding the fight against gays and equality will prevail in time. I cannot stop thinking about the middle class LDS family in Sacramento that was interviewed by the Sacramento Bee because they had donated $50K to the Yes on 8 campaign. I am sure they will become another piece of Mormon folklore about how blessed they were, and I am sure that someday Mormons will be talking about the horrible death that gay rights activists died for going against the Saints. Hell, I may even write a book about it.

Families are Forever: Part 2

2009-04-19T19:14:00.000-07:00

So, last summer I wrote a pretty nasty blog about my family. While it was pretty honest and what I felt at the time, I decided it's just a bit much, even for me. :P I deleted it.

For those of you that are inclined to believe such things as "God works in mysterious ways," well I have a good one for you. To sum it up, my family is not close. While all of my siblings are relatively close with our parents, and growing up we were are all pretty close, since moving out, we all kind of went our own way. Well, after a good decade of all us us kind of doing our own thing, I think things are going to start changing.

I'm not sure if I had indicated earlier, but despite coming out to my parents a while ago, none of my siblings knew I was gay. And it was okay in my mind because we weren't' all that close anyway. I only ever talked to my oldest sister on the phone (maybe every couple of months), and other than that I never talked to the others. They didn't call me, I didn't call them, no emails were exchanged, nada. At Christmas, we would all see each other for no more than 2 days, and then be back to our own lives.

Well, last year before the election, I came out to my oldest sister. Then in early March I came out to my younger brother, then to my other sister, and finally about a week ago I came out to my older brother. Needless to say, they are all supportive (and not the phony Mormon supportive kind). Luckily, all of my siblings are smart enough to understand that people don't choose to be gay, and me marrying a woman is not the best thing to do. For once in my life, I can say I was so glad to have non-active siblings. While I probably used to view them as unhappy because they were not active in church, I no longer believe that.

But anyway, the circumstances under which I came out to all of my siblings were different, but it was definitely the right time for each one of them. It goes without saying that we all have challenges in life, and none of my siblings have been able to confide in each other, and especially not me, the golden, returned missionary, BYU grad, loves-the-Church-sibling. All 4 of my siblings said the same thing after I came out to them. "Derrick, I feel closer to you right now that I ever have in my life."

Suddenly, my older brother who has NEVER called me that I can remember, called just to say hello and see what we were up to and to ask a question about his camera (we have the same one). Suddenly, my younger brother who likewise has never really called me (though I do get an email about every 8 months), starts texting me and telling me to call him. My other sister who I have drifted from in the past few years starts talking to me on g chat regularly, and phone calls with my oldest sister increase in frequency.

Hmm, if I had realized that me being gay would have brought us closer together, I would have gone gay a decade ago. =) All of my siblings are now asking when I am going to come visit with Max, and wanted me to send pics and info about a him. So Mom, in case you are still wondering why you have a gay son, you now have the answer, it is to bring your family back together. God works in mysterious ways...

Wedding Invites

2009-04-09T23:24:00.000-07:00

So my friend, Violet, and I frequently discuss political issues and issues related to gay rights at work over instant messenger. She is a hard-core Republican, evangelical Christian, who was born and raised in Texas. Get the picture?

I came out to her almost a year ago, and she has been surprisingly supportive at times. We have had MAJOR disagreements about gay marriage and just about every other political topic under the rainbow. She knows about Max and she knows that things are relatively serious between us. She got married last summer, and unfortunately, I was not able to make it to the wedding in Dallas. I regularly joke with her about when she is going to have a baby, and she asks me when Max and I are getting married.

Well, I think we have joked plenty about when I would be sending out the wedding invites and she is always making sure that she would be receiving one, and I think typically I have just kind of said yes. But the other day, I was honest with her. I told her that I would likely never invite her, knowing that she was actually opposed to my marriage.

Ooh, was she mad. She asked me why, and I probably did not answer that the right way. I told her because I have self-respect. I told her I would never invite somebody to my wedding that I knew was actually opposed to me marrying the person I love (instead of say, marrying a woman which is the "right" thing to do).

Since then, she has been trying to convince me that she is not opposed to me marrying Max or gay families in general. Yet when I asked her if a proposition similar to Prop 8 was placed on the ballot in Virginia, where she is now living, she indicated that she would vote for it. I'm not going to lie, that's ridiculous to me. To say that you support me and want me to be happy, but then vote to invalidate gay families is, well, hypocritical. Maybe I am being too sensitive. But honestly, that is the same BS I get from a lot of my Mormon "friends." They want me to be happy but then they donate money and time to Prop 8. It's like they think I can't actually be happy and that they are doing me a favor by preventing me from destroying society anymore.

I just don't know what to say to her. I feel like she is sincere in saying that she wants me to be happy, but how am I supposed to buy that when she is opposed to gay marriage and gay rights in general? Not that it made her feel any better, but I assured her that I have way more "friends" that are not on the invitee list than are. (Oh, this might be a good time to disclose that Max and I are NOT currently planning a wedding, this is really just discussion).

So I just have to ask, how do others feel? I guess I just tire of all these "friends" who want me to be happy but then do everything they can to ensure that I am not allowed the same legal protections that they are. Am I being unreasonable for just being honest with these people in telling them that if I were to get married, I would not want them there? I mean, I would still consider them friends and even go visit them, but I just don't feel like I need that on what should be a special day for me, my family, and friends.

Thoughts?

I am a lazy blogger...

2009-03-01T15:20:00.000-08:00

So a couple of people have asked me recently why I stopped writing on my blog. I guess I never really feel like I started writing. My blogging has usually been pretty sporadic at best, but I guess I will just give a brief update.

As promised back in November, I stopped attending Church. Actually, now that I think about it, I really only went once between August and Novmeber anyway, but needless to say I have only gone once since Election Day, and that was at Christmas. My mom already knew I wasn't going, but if she wanted me to go with her and my dad, I could easily agree to go to a ward where neither they or I knew anybody (my parents have been Church service misssionaries ever since moving to Utah and don't attend their neighborhood ward, alhtough we did go to their "home ward" that week).

So where does thil leave me? Strangely, happier than ever. I was always too terrified to stop going to Church because I was almost certain that I would be miserable outside the Church. I'm not going to lie, I was happy going to Church and enjoyed it for the most part(despite never having any LDS friends). I never really did it because I felt obligated to, but legitamately enjoyed attending Church activities, the temple (I went almost weekly for most of the time after my mision), and particiapting in other Church activities. But that could only last as long as I pretended to be who they wanted me to be. And as long as my loneliness could be ignored when I was too preoccupied with school. But since I am now done with school and working way too many hours in public accounting, I long for what so many other long for, companionship, love, and a purpose for life. The Church would tell me to forget myself and serve others...apparently viewing same-sex relationships as a waste and contributing nothing to society. If I can't fit their mold for a family, they would rather I have two callings and go to the temple more. And while, those are valid activities, and perhaps others can actually fill their life with that, a new phase in my life began in which I was no longer able to go it alone. And more importatntly, I did not want to. I chose love and companioship over loneliness and depression (Mormons read: I chose Satan over Jesus, I know that's what you're all thinking). :P

But anyway, I am not super angry at the Chuch or anything (though I won't think twice about pointing out some of the hypocrisy in their practices), I am just done with it. I appreciate all the positive things it was able to contribute to my life, and for the friends and experiences it has provided me with (though I am learning that many of those "friends" weren't real anyway). Luckily, many of them are real friends and I am even closer with some of them since there is no more lying and BSing with each other. Many are way more willing to open up to me now that I have to them, and I feel like I am in a better position to actually help others. It's amazing how many people open up to you when they no longer see you as "perfect," which is what so many Latter-day Saints want to be perceived as, drivng away others in their quest for perfection (or at least perception of perfection).

So anyway, not that it is anyone else's business, but I am coming up on one year of dating (and 8 months of living with) someone that I legitimately love and want to build a life with. For once in my life, I understand why people get married. You see, when gay men pretend to like women and they date them, it's more like a chore. Once you date someone you are actually attracted to physically and emotionally, dating becomes fun. It was like, oh, this is why people live with each other. Duh.

Anywho, so that is where I am at right now. My family is coming to terms with all of this. My oldest sister (who I know reads this, hi Jenn!) has been very loving and accepting towards (hmm, I am not sure he wants me to disclose his identity, so he can remain annonous for now....) Mr. X, and I love her for that. Mom and Dad are coming to grips with it (I hope) and I came out to my younger brother and as expected, he is indifferent, so now I just need to tell two more siblings, neither of whom I think will be surprised, and neither of whom will react poorly.

When I look back on my older blog posts, I see an angst ridden, emotionally unstable person, who is no more. For once, I feel like my future looks bright. My job is WAY more tolerable now, and I almost might go as far as to say that I enjoy it. I look forward to having a family some day (Mr. X and I are always arguning over who gets to stay home with the kids, and who has to keep working; I think I am losing that fight so far...)

This week the Supreme Court of California is hearing arguments on Prop 8, and I guess at this point, I don't want to get too optimistic. Either way, the fight for equality is far from over, and I no longer plan on being passive about it all. Anyone who is friends with me on Facebook knows I stopped being passive about this a while ago. I will try to keep this blog slightly more up to date, but no promises. This one was for you Steph.

Too little, too late

2008-11-06T22:40:00.000-08:00

The Church released a statement today about Prop 8 and the other ballot initiatives against gay marriage.

I guess all I can say, is that for me it is too little too late. I don't rule out returning to the Church someday, but I won't be there in the immediate future.

A couple lines I find interesting...

"Allegations of bigotry or persecution made against the Church were and are simply wrong. " But I guess those made (and still being made) against the other side must be true and right.

"Voting choices by Latter-day Saints, like all other people, are influenced by their own unique experiences and circumstances." Too bad this was never mentioned before. My unique experiences and circumstances were never a valid reason before for me deciding to vote no.

"No one on any side of the question should be vilified, intimidated, harassed or subject to erroneous information. " It's too bad that during the campaign the Church could not have been more vocal in advocating against erroneous information that ultimately led to the passage of Prop 8.

That's all. Just how I feel right now.

Feeling Sad

2008-10-12T14:08:00.000-07:00

So today was the first time in my life, where I just did not go to Church. All week long I have been bombarded by "Yes on 8" invitations on Facebook, emails, and reminders that my church feels it is okay to deny others the freedom to live their lives according to their desires and beliefs. As Sunday neared, and I remembered that thousands of Latter-day Saints would be fasting today that Prop 8 would pass, I about had an anxiety attack. Part of me really wanted to go. To stand up for what I believe in. To see what would really happen in testimony meeting. And to let people know that some Latter-day Saints are not in favor of Prop 8. Instead, I stayed home. The thought of seeing people that I ordinarily would respect and love, stand up and spread lies about Prop 8, made me want to vomit.

How is it the one thing that used to be the only constant in my life, the only source of peace, has suddenly become the biggest source of anxiety and sadness. I remember writing about one year ago that I was not sure where my life would be one year from then, and I guess I was right.

I have talked with a lot of my LDS friends about my feelings about Prop 8, and this morning I realized why the Yes on 8 people are using lies and fear to spread their message. It's pretty simple really: it's the only way that they are going to win. See once you speak with someone about the facts surrounding the issue, and they realize that the arguments in favor or Prop 8 that they are hearing are BS, most Latter-day Saints are only left with one reason to vote yes on Prop 8. And that is that the Church has asked them to. At which point there is not a whole lot else I can say. But this made me realize something. This is why they have resorted to spreading lies and fear, because you can't win an election in California just because the LDS Church wants people to vote a certain way. Yeah, in Utah the Church can say, "vote this way" on an issue and trust that it will go they way they want, but here in California where we only make up about 2% of the population, that just doesn't work. So instead you ensure that the 2% are going to vote a certain way, and then send them out to spread lies and create panic among their neighbors. Really, it's a genius strategy.

And this is exactly what has happened this past week. In case you did not hear, Prop 8 polls show it now has more supporters than those who oppose the proposition. And why you may ask? Because suddenly this is not a campaign about gays being able to get married, it is about freedom or religion and what the kids will be taught in school. I guess the strategy is to distract the voters by telling them that somehow monogamous gays are going to take away their right to practice their religion. It's genius really when you think about it. Sadly, most people will fall for it.

For those that have not already read it, I recommend reading an article posted by Morris A. Thurston about the inaccuracies in Prop 8 literature. I have shared this with a close friend of mine who is an attorney and knows Thurston personally, and had the following to say about him: "As for Thurston and his article above--my family knows him well, and he's a nice, if not absent-minded, guy. Actual lawyers reading his article are snorting milk through their nose." I guess I feel like I should let you know what an actual attorney thinks about him, but then again, that is just her opinion. If you want to read about her legal stuff (that I don't understand very well, so it could all just be lies) go ahead and read it here.

I guess name-calling is the easy way to not respond to the issues. Seems to work well in politics. She argued that there is no guarantee that religion will not be effected by permitting gay marriage to continue, which come to think of it, either did I. My big issue is the absolute bullshit that passes as fact. My concern is that an organization that is so concerned with truth as the Church is, is encouraging lies and deception to be used to convince people to vote yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. The Church is not the one doing this, it is the Prop 8 folks, but let's be real, they're the same people. The Church did this very well. Instead of getting officially involved in an issue that they are legally allowed to, they would rather have its members do it so that they do not have to take any blame for the way campaign is run, when in reality, they are orchestrating the whole thing. I mean really, setting up a phone bank in Utah so that members there can make calls to Californians?

So I guess, this will probably be the first of about 104 posts I make about Prop 8, but I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. Next time I promise not to be so scatter-brained and random, but I guess right now I am just upset that I feel so attacked by my church. Oh, but on a better note, I talked to my parents about Prop 8, and was VERY surprised to hear from my parents (especially my dad) that they think the way the Church is handling this is awful and that ultimately the Church will end up regretting this, similar to the civil rights fight of the 1950's and 1960's. My dad also was sickened to hear how much money is being wasted on this stupid campaign. It's pretty amazing what good could be done with $25M. But instead it is being squandered on a hateful campaign to not recognize others' families and impose a certain belief on others.

Well that is all, I don't know if anyone reads this, but there will probably be a lot more showing up here in the next few weeks...

Prop 8

2008-07-28T22:34:00.000-07:00

Where do I start. It's been over a month since they read the letter in Sacrament Meeting encouraging members to support Proposition 8. A week before they read the letter, I had already read a copy of it, and even before that, I expected a letter of some sort. I remember all too well the Prop 22 days. I was only 17 at the time, but I remember clearly a couple Sundays when things got pretty nasty. I propose right now that we suspend Testimony Sunday until after November.

But anyway, I guess I am writing this to just vocalize my thoughts and feelings about the whole thing. My first reaction to the letter being read was sadness. I was surprised at how emotional I got as they read the letter. For the first time in my life, I felt like the church and belief system that I had always lived and loved, was now working against me. I remember sitting there next to my room mate, Pete, and just feeling sick to my stomach. I was surprised at how much it hurt. I suddenly felt like an outsider being attacked. But instead of an enemy, it was the faith that had brought me so much joy and peace, was suddenly overwhelming me with anxiety and sorrow. To give the bishop credit, he read it tactfully, and sat down without adding anything else. I went home that day with a lot on my mind.

A couple weeks passed, and I, perhaps naively, hoped that that was the last of it that I would have to hear. I suspected that in a family ward more would be said/done on the subject, but I kind of hoped that in a singles ward, where people are occupied with so many other things, that that would be the last of Prop 8. It was mentioned here and there again in passing, but nothing much was ever discussed on the subject.

Then yesterday in Sacrament Meeting the High Councilor and his wife were both asked to speak on the subject. To give them credit, they did it in a very tactful, and roundabout way. Perhaps the Bishop/Stake President asked them to tread lightly knowing that there are a number of people in the ward who are gay or struggle with SSA, SGA, or however they define themselves. But despite even the best intentions, I was hurt. I felt like I was being attacked. I'm being asked to support a cause which will only cause more pain and sorrow among people who are gay. This type of rhetoric in my opinion only further encourages hate and discrimination. I know the Church officially discourages these types of behaviors, but something has to be said for how the members act and why they apparently feel that it is okay to treat others in the hateful and disrespecful ways that they sometimes do.

During their talks, I again felt surprised at how hurt I was and how sad I was. The speakers really were trying to be tactful, but the underlying message was still there. When Sacrament Meeting ended, I made a beeline for the door. I didn't make it far before a couple of people in the ward stopped me to ask me how I was doing. I put my sunglasses on to hide my eyes which were starting to tear up. I ended the conversations with them as soon as possible, and then headed out the door. By the time I got to my car I was pretty shaken up. I really was having a hard time with this. I went home and went back to bed. I felt sick.

After a good long nap yesteday, I woke up feeling a lot better. I know that nothing was meant to be offensive, but I guess I just wish the Church would just let the issue be. I have no doubt that the vast majority of the members of the Church would support the amendment regardless, so why must they be so vocal in their support of it?

Today seemed like it was going to be better until I got an email from the ward indicating that tonight's FHE was going to be given by the Bishop and that it would be a special presntation on Prop 8. Ugh. OK, not that I always go to FHE anyway, but suddenly the anxiety was coming back. I just wish they wouldn't turn this into a "moral issue." What about every other moral issue that the Church remains silent on. Oh well, in a few months it will all be over. And if Californians vote how I hope they do, things might be a little different in a few months.

Addiction

2008-07-13T18:29:00.000-07:00

So, from reading other Moho's blogs, I have noticed that many others have the same addiction problem I do. The cycle seems to repeat over and over. I struggle with the self-indulgence for a while (and I can't lie, I always love the temporary excitement and pleasure), but then I find myself beating myself up over it. I get depressed, I wish I could just stop, I hate myself, etc, etc. After struggling with it for a while, I finally reach a point where I have the self-control to stop. I stop cold-turkey; and I last a few days, a few weeks, or sometimes even a few months. This last fast lasted a whopping 4 months (that might be a new record for me). I thought I had finally rid myself of this addiction. But alas, old habits die hard, and this habit had unfortunately gotten an early start in my life. Probably too early. I'm embarrassed to admit how old I was the first time I took part in this transgression.

So last week I had a rough week. Work was not going well and I was stressed about some upcoming things I have to do. I was anxious and upset, and a moment of weakness had arrived. There I was at the store, and of course something on the shelf caught my eye. Before I knew it, I had put it in basket. I hoped nobody had seen me put it int he basket as shame engulfed me. Of course I get to the checkout, and the worst part has yet to come. I try not to make eye contact with the cashier as I make my purchase. My mind races as I drive home and I can't wait to open it up and partake of the empty enjoyment.

I got home, tore it open and threw the self-control out the window. It felt good, I'm not going to lie. Especially after 4 months, it was so good to treat myself to one of my guilty pleasures. Yes, after 4 long months, there was once again Chips Ahoy in the house. I am so addicted to cookies! :P

Open mouth, insert foot

2008-06-04T22:25:00.000-07:00

This was undoubtedly the funniest thing I can ever remember happening at church.

So testimony meeting was wrapping up, and as is typical in the Singles Ward, we have been bombarded by recent move-ins who want to make themselves known. Well, this particular bug boy (term given to all summer sales people, regardless or what they are hawking) is obviously not too concerned with making friends. Keeping in mind that I live in the Newport Beach Stake, and that my ward meets at the chapel next to the temple, this is what this dude starts off his testimony with (summarized of course):

"You know, the Newport Beach temple is not one of my favorite temples. (WTF?! Did he really just say that?) I mean it's nice and all, but I don't particularly like the architectural style or the location, or the color, etc (Note that this is the only pink temple I know of, and I think it is a fabulous)."

He almost recovers by saying that it is not too important how the temple looks, but rather that we visit the temple frequently and that it is the House of the Lord. He then admits that he has not been in it yet, which was already apparent, because the inside is amazing.

Anyway, so at this point he has probably already upset a good 1/3 of the ward which grew up in the area and obviously has a strong connection with the temple. He goes on for a couple more minutes about some other things and then concludes. The bishop is about to stand up and end the meeting, but then I see him sit back down. From the very back row of the overflow area comes a 14-year old kid who must have been visiting form out of town with his family.

He stands up, and adds his short testimony that went something like this:

"I want to bear my testimony that I love the Newport Beach temple and I think it is great because my grandpa designed it." He pauses, and then adds, "and he is sitting in the back row." The entire congregation bursts into laughter, which never quite died down until after the closing hymn. Fantastic. That is all I can say.

Life Goes On

2008-04-13T21:03:00.001-07:00

So I am not much of a blogger. I guess not too much has been happening recently, or rather not too much that I want to blog about has happened. As hoped, life is really continuing on as normal in many aspects. My room mates have been super cool since I came out to them and I feel like for the most part they are even pretty willing to discuss it with me. It is great to have such awesome friends who are supportive.

On the other hand, I definitely wish that I would have held off telling the ex, at least for a while. In typical female fashion, she acted cool and then went absolutely psycho on me. Hmm, sure makes me want to settle down with a woman for the rest of my life. I guess I never imagined her being so devastated, but who can blame her? I mean what person wouldn't be absolutely destroyed to find out that they could not marry me? :P I am hoping that in a couple weeks things calm down, but if not, I guess it was a great learning experience for me. My favorite part was that she said was mad at God for making me gay. I suppose if she wants to be upset at God for this she can, I'm not going to though. Seriously though, who says that? I could have never imagined that I had such poor judgment of character in selecting my friends.

I have also come out to a couple other friends in the ward this past week. I did not particularly plan on coming out to one friend this week, but when the opportunity presented itself, I felt that he would be a trusted friend. The other is a home teachee that I met my freshman year at BYU. She grew up here in Newport Beach and we have remained good friends since. She was very understanding and having been through many trials in her own life, was very kind and accepting. She knows that we all have our trials in this life to bear, and she let me know that she is my friend no matter what. It is such a relief to me to have friends I can confide in.

Other than that, not too much to report on. I enjoyed General Conference last weekend, though it was very bittersweet for me. Of course they talked about marriage and families a lot, but this time around it really hit me that something I want so bad, may not be a reality in my mortal life. I won't lie, I cried a little bit. But of course Elder Wirthlin didn't let me down. Since about 2001, his talks have almost exclusively been the ones that have meant the most to me. He is not the best orator, but I would encourage everyone to reread his talks in the Ensign. If I could meet one apostle, it would definitely be him. My favorite talk of his ever, was given in the October 2001 conference called One Step after Another. If you have a moment, I highly recommend reading it. That talk has been such an enormous source of strength in my life. I hope it can continue to help me take life one day at a time. I think that is the only way I will make it.

Coming out to a few friends

2008-03-26T21:08:00.000-07:00

The past couple of days have been very exciting. I think I mentioned on Sunday that I was going to come out to a good friend of mine (read: ex-girlfriend sort of) who I had tried so hard to be interested in. We had gone on dates and become very good friends, but trying to have an actual relationship with her always seemed impossible. A few months ago our friendship turned cold and communication between us became difficult. I will take most of the blame for that, but at the time I really was having a hard time seeing any value in our friendship, especially because I was not ready to tell her what was really going on in my life. Things have improved slowly over the past month or so, and I know that she really is one of the few people I can really trust. So I had decided to let her know what had been going on in my life.

I had already told her I wanted to talk, so after FHE ended we walked over to her car and sat inside. I started by thanking her for being a good friend to me, even when I seemed distant and upset. I went on to share with her the internal struggle that I have faced and my desires to remain active in the Church. And then I told her that I was gay. In my head she was not going to be very surprised, but man was I wrong. She was very understanding and I never once worried about her reacting badly (which she didn't), but I could have never imagined how upset it made her. She told me she was worried about me leaving the Church. I told her I have no plans of leaving the Church, but told her that the thought does cross my mind. But of course I do not want to, but sometimes reality can be hard to accept. Being alone sucks. I don't rule out marriage, but at this point in my life I really cannot imagine it happening.

She seemed so sad to hear that, and I really wonder what was going through her head. She has texted me a couple times since then, telling me that she is worried about me. Today she sent me a message asking me if we can live together if neither of us get married, so that we don't have to be alone. Hmm... maybe she didn't get the point that I don't really like women, and living with one does not entirely interest me at this point. Oh well. Overall she was very supportive and I hope that she can understand that I really appreciate her friendship, but that right now there is not a very good chance of a romantic relationship between us. I worry that she has too much on her plate as well (most of which I was completely unaware of at the time), and hope that she does not spend a lot of time worrying about me. For once, I am feeling good about myself.

So after telling her, that really only left two people who I really wanted to tell right now, my room mates. When I got home from FHE on Monday, I told them that I wanted to talk to them the next day if they had some time. We agreed to have our first (and probably last) apartment meeting. I have no idea if what they thought I wanted to talk about, but definitely once the conversation started I could see that they had no idea what I was about to tell them. I started off in a similar manner describing my desires to make good decisions in my life while struggling inside with accepting myself. Then I came out and told them. Again, I was never worried how they would accept it. They are the coolest guys I have ever lived with and are super supportive. I tried to assure them that I have not fallen in love with them, though it seemed like both of them wanted to believe that I had. (just kidding guys).

Oh and the best part? I told them about the MoHo's I had met and about my blog. They asked if they could read my blog and I said sure. Whoops. Did I wonder out loud in a recent blog if either of them were gay? Yep, sure did. Luckily they both are pretty cool and had a really good laugh about it. I mean what was I supposed to think about living with an emo and a metrosexual? They really are super understanding and it felt great to let them know what I have been going through. I felt fantastic afterwards.

So yeah, that's been the past couple of days for me. I am not really planning on telling anyone else in the near future, although I did just buy a plane ticket to surprise dad on his 60th birthday in May. Won't he be surprised? Mom doesn't really want me to tell him on his birthday, and I agree, I was going to wait til the day after. =) Oh, and I need to tell one cousin who I am close with that lives in SLC. She definitely needs to know before I have to go out on one more blind date with another of her "super-cute and single" girlfriends. Bless her heart for thinking of me.

Meeting the MoHo's

2008-03-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

First off, can we please come up with a better word for MoHo. I can't help by laugh when I see/write/say that word. Oh well. I guess I came out a little too late to have any influence on the lingo that exists in the gay Mormon world.

Anyway, the past week has been absolutely nuts. As I was coming to terms with my future and considering the various paths my life could take, something unexpected happened. A local MoHo (Max Power) contacted me and invited me to dinner with him and a couple of other MoHo's. I couldn't believe it. I was barely starting to open up about my sexuality and then just like that I was invited to meet other MoHo's. I was mostly excited to meet them, but a little nervous that I would fall in love with one of them and never be able to contain my emotions. I also felt a little uncomfortable opening up to 3 stranger about this since I had only come out to my mom before then. But for the most part I was stoked to meet other Latter-day Saints who are trying to live their lives within the bounds of the gospel, while being open about their feelings and struggles. We agreed to meet for dinner on Wednesday.

Meeting these three guys was absolutely nuts. All of us had very different experiences to share, but what really struck me was how normal these guys were. I was expecting to meet 3 super weird dudes, but they were all cool, relatively normal people. And I would have never really pegged any of them as being homosexual (although I apparently show up as a large blip on the gaydar). I sat and listened to their experiences and felt so relieved to finally be able to relate with somebody about one of the biggest issues in my life. I also solicited advice from the more "experienced" Moho's about coming out and the best way to let people know. I felt a strong connection with each of them for different reasons. At the end of dinner, my head was still spinning from the whole experience.

As we left dinner I could not stop thinking about what had happened. Literally just a couple weeks before, I felt like I was on verge of a breakdown. At that point in my life, every option except for activity in the church seemed like the best one for me. When I left the restaurant on Wednesday though, I left with a renewed sense of desire to remain active in the Church.

I slept better that night than I have in weeks. I have felt an amazing sense of peace since meeting them. I have exchanged emails with all of them since that night and am feeling a lot better about life. I'm not quite sure what God' plan is for me, but I am more dedicated to finding it in my life. I mentioned at dinner that I had never talked to a priesthood leader about my same-sex attraction, and one of the other MoHo's encouraged me to do so. and so today I did. I was still nervous about talking about it with my bishop, but am so glad I decided to talk to him. My bishop is the nicest guy on Earth and was very understanding. He talked about my options in life and was very understanding that this trial will probably never go away and that it would be near impossible to live out my life without sin, so I should not set that as an expectation. That was about the last thing I expected to hear a bishop say. Anyway, overall it was a good experience for me, and will hopefully help me to continue strong.

Tomorrow should be interesting. One of the last girls that I tried unsuccessfully to date, talked to me at church today and said the could tell that something has been bothering me for a while, and that she wanted to talk. So I told her we would go somewhere after FHE tomorrow and talk. Can't wait. She'll be the first non-MoHo friend I tell. Oh, and I really am looking for a good opportunity soon to let the room mates know. I feel like they might have an idea, but I guess we'll have to see.

Two (OK, three) quick things

2008-03-15T21:22:00.000-07:00

First, it was my roommate's birthday a couple days ago, so a bunch of his friends from his hometown came over tonight to celebrate. In fact we are all in the living room right now as I write this. My roommate (who is now 24) returned to church activity about 18 months ago and is currently preparing to serve a mission. He has a very strong testimony of the gospel and an unnatural amount of love and concern for others. To sum it up, he will make a great missionary.

Anyway, in the course of the night's discussions, the topic of the MTC and showering naked in front of the other missionaries came up. Apparently, the showers have since been remodeled so that everyone showers privately. And the reason given for why they were remodeled? Of course, it was one of my favorite statistics: 2% of missionaries come home gay. I laughed out loud. Only 2%? And even more ridiculous, do people honestly think that people leave straight and come home gay? I would venture to guess that nobody "turns gay" from showering with other guys. I personally am more attracted to men with their clothes on, and definitely had a companion whose body could almost turn someone straight. Although I had not come to accept my sexuality before, during, or even immediately after my mission, I definitely did not come home any more straight or gay than I was when I left. Anyway, I didn't really think much of the comment, and I don't think that very many people actually take this "statistic" seriously, but I still wanted to comment on it. But who knows, maybe my fantastic body turned some confused, unsuspecting Elder into a homosexual while I was in the MTC (please note the sarcasm).

On another note, I almost came out to my roommates on Thursday night when we went out to for said roommate's birthday. All of us are currently single and so we decided to go to dinner and celebrate (Yes I have wondered if both of them are gay, especially since there are more apparent gay indicators present in their lives than mine. In fact I think more people suspect them of being gay than they do me). Of course the conversation at dinner revolved around girls in the ward and dating. We have all had girlfriends during our 6 months together but all of us seem to have difficulties turning that into anything serious. As they talked about the girls in the ward that they think would be perfect for me, I was so close to just coming out and explaining my lack of motivation in the heterosexual dating world. But I figured my roommate's birthday dinner was not the most tactful place, and ultimately decided it was not the best time or place. Sometime soon though.

Last, I have noticed with many gay Mormon blogs that there exists a certain level of anonymity (and understandably so) when writing. Well, I initially started my blog, not intending to share it with anyone, but a few people wandered upon it. After I came out as a gay Mormon, I was thinking of how open I wanted to be online, when I remembered that my blog's URL kind of does away with any sort of anonymity that I ever intended to utilize. Oh well, I guess I'm over it.

Hmmm

2008-03-14T22:25:00.001-07:00

So now I am not so sure. I called mom this morning while driving to work. She was noticeably surprised since I usually call her only once every 10 days of so, and I talked to her for about an hour yesterday as I drove to work. But I never got around to talking about what I wanted to with her, so I called her again. Only this time, I just came out and said what I wanted to.

I guess a little background may be necessary. A little over a year ago, a series of events involving my parents moving from California to Utah, me breaking my leg (double compound fracture, perhaps a story for another day), me staying with my parents while I recovered, and me accidentally leaving my journal at my parents' house all led to my mother outing me. Coincidence? I think not. My mom came over to my house one morning a few weeks after my accident with groceries and she said she wanted to talk. She said she could tell something was wrong, and continued to hint at the fact that she knew I was gay. She continued to ask me if I knew that she would still love me even if I was gay. As I sat with tears rolling down my face, I told her I was indeed struggling with same-sex attraction. Immediately, I recognized that she had read my journal. Maybe I should have been upset. But I wasn't. I was so relieved to finally tell somebody, and to be able to be honest. I had just two weeks prior, admitted to myself for the first time that I was gay. As private as journals are, I had never been willing to admit that, until the day before I broke my leg. So that is how mom found out. Not the best story, but alas, that's how it went down.

Fast forward to today. Mom and I have not discussed my homosexuality much since then. I know she thinks about it, and prays for me, but I think she is fearful to bring it up. So this morning I called her, to ask her if she had told anybody else. You see, in my family secrets really do not exist. We know if we tell one person, we tell all, and if we really wanted it to remain a secret, we would tell nobody. I knew that when I told her, and honestly expected her to at least tell dad and my oldest sister. But this morning, she claimed to have told neither of them. Not sure if I believe her.

So anyway, I told her I wanted to tell my oldest sister this weekend. My sister is down from Sacramento with her husband and kids. She really is the only sibling of mine that I trust (more on that later too). I asked mom what she thought about me telling my sister, and mom said that she does not think that is a good idea. I got very defensive and asked why not. I told her I am so tired of keeping this a secret, like I have something to be ashamed of or to hide. I told her I see it as a trial/temptation, just the same as any other, and that there was no reason to hide it from people. I told her what a relief it was having her know, and what a strength it would be to me if others knew. Yet she still disagreed. I guess maybe I was little too optimistic about how mom would handle it. Plus, I really want to think that my siblings are bright enough to figure out by now that one thing is not quite like the others.

But anyway, so there I am, an emotional wreck sitting in traffic on the 405. It made me think that it would have been better to not even ask mom. Regardless, I think I am going to tell my sister. She has confided in me so much, and I in her. I know that she will not judge me or be upset. She has a few gay LDS friends that she grew up with and I think she would be more understanding than mom.
Hopefully I can make time to talk with her in between the beach, Disneyland, and all the other fun plans to tell her. I guess I'll just have to see.

Searching for meaning

2008-03-13T21:18:00.000-07:00

What a difference a couple of days makes. A couple of days ago I was so preoccupied with my life that I could barely operate. I have a really long commute right now (upwards of 90 minutes some days: I love SoCal) and sometimes by the time I get to work I am already an emotional wreck. During the day my co-workers don't hear much from me (keeping in mind that my line of work means we are all sitting in a conference room together) and my mind has been racing a million miles an hour as I think about what it means to be a gay Latter-day Saint.

And that was Tuesday. But I feel SO much better already. Something was so liberating about admitting to myself on Tuesday that I am gay. That yes, despite my strong desires to be straight, I'm not. I'm gay. I am not sure what that will mean for me in the long run, but for now, this is what it means to me.

I need to accept myself for who I am. I did not choose to be gay (contrary to what I used to believe about homosexuals) and there really is not a whole lot I can do about it. I am attracted to men more than women (yes I am attracted to women, even sexually). But the truth is, I am probably always going to be attracted to men more than women. That does no mean I am going to live the so-called "gay lifestyle" though. Right now, I still long to marry in the temple and have a family. And I think I would be a pretty good husband and father. Certainly I have a long way to go before that ever happens, but I do not rule that out.

There is no reason to be angry or upset with myself. I believe that God lives and loves me. And I believe very strongly in the notion that God made us to be happy. I guess that can be a little confusing to me right now though. What will truly bring me the greatest measure of happiness? The gospel of Jesus Christ? Or embracing a side of me that I feel like I need to suppress or control? I guess I don't want to try the whole church game for 10 more years only to find out that it won't work and then give up and leave the church.

God has given everybody weaknesses. Mine just happens to have a very large stigma attached to it (at least in my church). But it would be hard for me to just turn my back on my faith, and to go against what I believe. I am not, nor have I ever been one to follow my faith out of social or family pressure. Believe me, if there was ever a family in which you can leave the church at any time, it would be mine. All of my siblings have left the church, and only one has returned (sort of). No one seems to care much. Although I will admit that it does add a certain level of pressure to my life. I love my parents so much and I don't want them to feel like they have failed with all five of us. But at the same time, I know that if I were to leave the Church or come out to them (well I guess mostly Dad, since Mom managed to put two and two together a while ago), that they would love and support me. I have no fear of being disowned, ignored, or shunned by my family. That's not how we roll in my house.

So when I really look back at the last few years, I really see myself as the biggest obstacle to me coming to grips with the real me. Being the eternal optimist, I continued believing that one day I would wake up and be free of my attraction to men. OK, please don't laugh, but it's true. I'm a little bit more realistic today. And now I want to be more open about this, with some of my close friends and family members. It doesn't bother me too much when people ask me about dating/marriage, but the truth is, if they really want to know why I am not dating, I'll let them know. Also, I feel like there are others who could help me, and whom I could help, if I were more open.

I'll never forget one of my first Sunday's in my current Singles Ward. In Priesthood meeting, we were reading from the Teaching of the Living Prophets and the topic was sexual purity. Part of the chapter discussed homosexuality. A few members shared some thoughts (all very respectful in my opinion) when another brother, who was in our ward for the first time, rose his hand and shared with the quorum his struggles with homosexuality. Wow. First Sunday in a new ward, and this guy has the cajones to share that. I think it was one of the most spiritual Sunday's ever. The outpouring of love in that meeting was amazing. I wanted to go up to him after the meeting and thank him, but I was too afraid. Surely he would recognize why I was so grateful. Still to this day I have not thanked him, and have only had a couple conversations with him. When we have talked, I feel like he already knows that I'm gay, so I decided after out last conversation that I would at least thank him for his faith and example the next time we talk.

Anyway, I guess this is about as long as a blog should be. I'm not sure if anyone is reading this, but I feel more at peace at least having written it.

What next?

2008-03-11T21:42:00.000-07:00

The past couple of days have been some of the most challenging of my life. I have been reading a lot of strangers' blogs, and thinking about my life. Let me sum it up this way: Life is not quite what I expected.

I am an active Latter-day Saint, a BYU grad, and a returned missionary. I am striving to live by my faith and I want nothing more than to meet a beautiful young woman, get married, and have a family. There is only one problem: I am gay.

I have read the blogs of a number of other gay Latter-day Saints the past few days. They have made me reflect upon my life, and what I am going to do. Over the past year or so, I have acknowledged that I will probably never get married or have a family. My faith has been wavering and going to church gets more and more difficult every week. Depression and anxiety rule my life. As I read the blogs of others in similar situations, I notice a gradual process where people fall away from the church and begin living a life contrary to what I want to believe. The thought of that happening to me terrifies me. And at the same time, I long for that other lifestyle. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I long for male companionship, that I am tired of being alone, and that I want a relationship with another guy.

But how does an otherwise "normal" (oh I hate that word) Latter-day Saint reconcile his sexual orientation with his faith? How can I have the two things that I want most when they appear mutually exclusive? I guess that is what I am going to have to decide over the next few years. I read about some gay Latter-day Saints who rationalize away the part of our faith that they do not agree with, without actually denouncing our faith. I don't think that I can do that. Either this church is 100% true, and what the modern day prophets and apostles teach is true, or it's a big lie and I am a sucker. Personal experiences in my life lead me to believe the prior.

So that is it for now. In case anyone does actually read this (which is what a blog is for, right?) I will let you know this much. I am not out to anyone, except to my mom. Reading the experiences of others gay Latter-day Saints has made me realize what a blessing it is to have a supportive and loving parent at your side. I wish I could say I had the cajones to just tell her, but she actually brought it up at a point in my life when any good parent would realize that something was terribly wrong with their child. I feel like my dad probably knows as well, but who knows if mom ever told him. Anyway, she is totally cool about it and very supportive. She recognizes that I will probably never get married, and I can tell that she has even accepted the fact that I may someday live a life contrary to her beliefs. Anyway, I am thinking about being more open about my sexual orientation with my family and close friends. This is not a burden I can bear alone any longer.

Excuse me for the self-censorship

2008-01-20T22:17:00.000-08:00

So I suppose the whole point of a blog is for others to read it, but I guess it never really crossed my mind that people would. After all, I told nobody of my blog, and how anyone actually came across it is a mystery to me. But anyway, I guess after I got a couple of messages from people, it scared me away from the blog for a while. Instead I have been keeping a journal in Word. I guess I am not ready to post everything on the internet, especially since a couple people have somehow discovered it. I guess I am struggling with the whole concept of opening up to people, though opening up to complete strangers is obviously not as difficult. When I started this blog, I mostly just needed a place to vent, where I could write my thoughts. I have kept a journal from the time I was 14, but I could never write as fast as I could think, and that frustrated me. So I decided to type it out, and a blog just seemed like the logical place to do it.

Anyway, before I ramble on endlessly about that, I will just say thank you for the words of encouragement from the people who left me messages. I would be lying if I said life was any better, but I feel certain that it will be. The past month was definitely the most challenging of my life, although I cannot quite figure out why. It seems like there should be some monumental event in my life that throws me into a tailspin, but I guess it was really just a self-realization that made me reconsider everything I had ever thought about myself, everything I have ever believed in, and everything which I ever hoped for out of life. I wish I could say any of those issues were resolved, but alas, they are not. But someday...someday...

One day at at time. That is really how I survive. It sounds so cliche, but now I understand what people are talking about when they say that is how they survive. For that is the current mindset that I find myself in. When I think about the future, I feel ill and want to give up. So I guess I have relegated myself to not thinking about much past the next day. It's a hard way to live. Especially for someone like me who wants to plan everything out and make all of these spectacular goals for myself. But I guess I woke up one day and realized that if I cannot make it through one more week, what is the point of planing for the future. It's a sorry way to live really, but until I can get my life back in some semblance of order, I figure there is no point in worrying about the other things.

Which makes me wonder why I continue to save for the future. If there is one thing that Americans suck at preparing for, it's their financial futures. And of course, that is the only thing that I have set up properly. I save 20% (pre-tax) every month. And for what? I have no idea. Some days I just want to go withdraw it all and go spend it. But I guess deep down inside I believe that someday I will be emotionally better and that I will actually be around for the long term.

For now though, I guess I may not be writing as much on the blog, but I will continue to write in my personal journal. I hope someday I can use the blog for what most people use it for, to keep friends and family updated on all of the big events and accomplishments in my life. I guess right now I have neither.

. . .

2007-12-20T23:25:00.000-08:00

I cannot even begin to describe the range of feelings and emotions that I have encountered over the past few weeks. I feel so uncertain about everything. I have never in my life been so anxious, nervous, upset, and vulnerable. I feel like I am at the beginning of the end of my life. I wish that I could just quit life, or at least drop everything in my life, move away, and start again. I guess I am disillusioned into believing that I can runaway from my problems, but alas, I know that is not true.

I really started my job with the hope that I would enjoy it, that I would excel, learn a lot, and potentially turn this into a career. I guess a couple of months ago I realized that it was not for me, and I wanted to quit immediately. I know that God has a much better plan for me. But I guess I convinced myself that I should at least stick around long enough to get the CPA. That seemed like the logical thing to do. I mean why would I just quit when I have already invested so much into getting the license. So I continued on, perhaps even briefly enjoying my job.

Well I guess God really has different plans for me. Maybe He really wants me to quit now. The past 3 weeks have been absolutely miserable for me. I have been down in San Marcos working at a client. Interesting how I used to thing traveling would be cool. I was 60 miles from my house, and I hated it. And I mean, I REALLY hated it. I was so miserable. Inasmuch as I live so far from anyone in my family, my friends mean a lot to me. I mean, I know friends are important to everybody, but because of my personal situation, I really do rely upon them a lot. So many nights down there, I considered just driving home and quitting. Well I didn't. Here's the kicker: I really liked the work I was doing, the people I was working with, and the client personnel were some of the nicest. Yet somehow, I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I feel like a wreck.

And then to top it off, they booked me back in San Marcos for all of April, and now they want me out there for March as well. Oh and did I mention Lake Havasu for 3 weeks in February? Are you getting the picture yet? Pretty much there is no work for me in Orange County, so I am having to go everywhere. And I am a little hesitant to make myself heard, because I feel like they would be ready to part with me. There are already too many people in the office, I doubt they would care if I threatened to leave.

So this all comes back to this; am I doing what I should be doing? Does Heavenly Father want me to even be here? What does he want me to do? I am so scared at the thought of leaving my job and starting something else completely different, but I really feel like that is what God wants me to do. I hope I can handle the changes that will be coming into my life. I feel like I am at the edge of my ability to handle life. Is this really what I signed up for when I came to Earth?

Tell me the meaning, the meaning of life

2007-11-29T23:32:00.000-08:00

I feel like I should know the purpose of life. I understand that we are children of God, and that he has given us life on earth to learn and to progress to become like him. Yet, I guess I am struggling to understand how this applies to my life. The struggles I am called to face here on Earth are almost too much for me right now. Each day it is harder for me to even get out of bed in the morning. My life really does seem meaningless and trite. I wish I could get my life back in order, but right now I am really struggling to even want to.

I cannot describe this feeling of emptiness that has overcome me in the recent weeks. I find myself becoming a person that I do not like. And yet the harder I try to live the teachings of Jesus Christ, the less happy I seem to be at this time. I am not sure what I need in my life right now, but I really need something to wake me up.

Today at work, Anne and I took a break and went for a walk to get out and get some fresh air. Right when we got out of the office she started talking about how she does not like work and how she wants to just quit and go live in a third world country and live with the people there. I found myself agreeing with her a lot. I told her that I agreed that working for a public accounting firm and living in Orange County cannot be the most important thing on Earth. But if this is not what I am supposed to be doing, what is? I feel like I should be married soon and raising a family, yet I seriously doubt that I will ever marry and have a family. I wanted to tell Anne everything I believe about the plan of salvation, but for some reason, I was struggling to convince myself in that moment that I believed it.

Somehow, my life has gotten severely off track. Somehow, naively, I thought that life would be better when I graduated and started working. What a joke. I think I was initially way happier and progressing really well. But suddenly I find myself depressed, angry, and confused. Does deliverance never arrive? I have always known that if you cannot be happy in one place or doing one thing, you never will be happy. But somehow I convinced myself into believing that life would be better when I was working and out of Utah.

I'm going to stop typing now. I am not even sure what I am rambling on about. Something is wrong with me.

Count Your Blessings

2007-11-25T20:49:00.000-08:00

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed; when you are discouraged thinking all is lost;
Count your many blessings; name them one by one; And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

These are words that I need to remember in my life. As awful as I think my life might be, it really is not. I have been blessed with loving parents, a healthy body, a good education, an adequate job, and so many other things. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ as an anchor in my life. I life in undoubtedly the greatest country on Earth, and I have been blessed so much in my life. I wish I had someone to follow me around everyday and slap me every time I ever complain or think my life is hard.

I wish Thanksgiving came every day. It's sad, but sometimes it does take a holiday to get me to realize how much I have been blessed. I need to somehow remember that everyday. I've learned that life is not going to get any easier. This past week has undeniably been one of the most difficult for me in so many ways. Spiritually, I am struggling. I am not sure if I will ever recover from this spiritual lull that I find myself in. Temptations are coming stronger and stronger. I am not sure how I can continue to cope. And then amidst all of my personal misery and woe, God reminds me how blessed I really am.

My oldest sister, Jennifer, called me a couple of days ago to inform me that my younger brother, Trevor, was diagnosed with bone cancer. I did not even know what to say or how to feel. I think if anything, I am in the denial stage right now. I want to believe that everything will be alright and the the doctor's will be able to help him. But the truth is, I don't know what is going to happen. He starts radiation in a couple weeks and then in December they are going to operate on his right leg and try to remove the cancer form his ankle and knee. Bone cancer is rare and only about 2,000 cases are diagnosed every year, mostly in younger males. I guess what is hardest for me to accept right now is that this is happening to my brother. In all of my misery and self-pity, I would do anything to take this pain away from him. Trevor does not deserve this. He has enough on his plate.

So here I am, feeling lost and hopeless, when I am dealt this. I cannot even imagine how Trev feels. He has suffered so much and I hope he has the will to fight this and realize that there is a chance that the doctor's will be able to help him win this battle. I fear that despair and hopelessness may have crept into his life. I fear it may have taken over my life. I know that these feelings come from Satan and that he is fighting so hard to get me to give up. But I will not. I cannot. Not in this hour when my family needs me more than ever. But sometimes the pressure upon me to live up to the gospel is so heavy when none of my siblings are doing so. I feel like if I fall off the spiritual boat, Mom and Dad would die. I see the pain that they feel as my siblings continue to make poor decisions, and I try so hard to honor them. But the thing is, I'm not even doing it for them. I am doing it for myself. I have experienced the sweetest joy imaginable that comes from living the Gospel of Jesus Christ. And I long for that peace once again. I wish so badly to have peace in my life, and at times it seems that the only way to obtain that would be to end my life now. The pain in unbearable sometimes.

I wish there was somebody in my life that I could rely on. I think I need to read the words of the hymn Count Your Blessings everyday before I leave the house. Maybe that will help me. I really cannot complain. I really am so blessed.

Thou Shalt Not Covet

2007-11-19T22:40:00.000-08:00

So, the 10th commandment is a difficult one for me to understand. I honestly don't aspire to have wealth and power; yet I find myself coveting the apparent ease and happiness that others have. David is pretty much the coolest room mate I have ever had, and yet inside it bothers me how everything seems to go so smoothly in his life. It seems to me that he has never not received what he wants. He seems to have it all. He dates awesome girls, he seems to always be doing something fun, and yet he manages to find time for it all. I don't know why that bothers me, but it really does. I guess I feel like my life is so empty and that I am constantly trying to do what is right, and yet my life is going nowhere.

I know I need to reread Elder Wirthlin's General Conference talk from a few years ago. It was called One Step at a Time. I need to remember that life is not a race to be won, and that God will not be ranking his children and judging us against others, but he will judge us for who we are and what we have. So easy to say, so difficult to live by. I guess in my own misery, I wish others would suffer too. As if that brings me any sort of happiness. My life seems like one eternal struggle while David appears to be cruising through life doing whatever he wants whenever he wants to. I guess life is just not fair. And I guess I want to believe that he has his own struggles and trials, but I tell you what, it sure does not seem like it.

Here is another dilemma I have. I really find it easy to make friends and be social. I feel like I could be friends with anyone I wanted to. And in this ward, I guess I feel like that means I could be apart of the cool crowd, whatever that means. And yet I find myself wanting to shun that, because I know what it feels like to be the one who is left out. That is where I have found myself throughout most of my life when it comes to the church social groups: on the outside. So here I am wanting to have good friends and just be apart of that crowd that I know I could be apart of, and yet I desire more to make others feel welcome. It just sucks because that is always the more difficult choice and often means that I do not have as much fun.

Another thing, why the heck do I not have any desire to date? I long for companionship, but I think I am terrified of what that might entail. For some reason, the older I get, the less and less dating I want to do. I want to get married (I think) but I feel like it is not worth it if I have to continue playing this game. Some days, well most days, I feel like I am okay with the concept of it being my last. I am not sure what it wrong with me right now, but I know that I am not happy with where my life is, and I struggle to honestly grasp what it is I really want. The answer that I find myself saying constantly is that I want to be a worthy and active Latter-day Saint. I feel like that is what I want. But is it truly what I want most? And if it isn't well than what the heck is? If I break it down into individual components, it is what I want. I do not desire worldly lusts of drugs, alcohol, or immorality. I don't want worldly possessions and more than anything, I want to help and serve others. I believe very strongly in my faith, I know that God lives and that Jesus Christ is my Savior. I know that I am a member of the true church of Jesus Christ. I cannot deny the impressions of the Holy Ghost. Yet somehow, I doubt whether or not I really want this. How empty would my life be without it? I guess I just don't know what to think anymore. I feel so overwhelmed and hopeless.

Uncertainty

2007-11-12T22:52:00.000-08:00

I am not sure that I will ever be "normal." I am not sure what that means, but I am pretty sure that I do not qualify, and I'm pretty sure that everyone feels that way. I guess what is bothering me right now though is that I feel so out of place. I feel so alone, and so discouraged, yet I continue to push away those who care and are trying to help. I am not quite sure who I want to help me, but for some reason those that are trying are not the right ones.

I feel like I am going through some sort of identity crisis. I feel like I am getting closer to accepting myself for who I am, yet at the same time, I want so badly to be something else. My personal beliefs and my faith tell me that I can become someone great and that my potential is limitless. I don't want to just accept myself, I want to strive each day to be a better person. I want to reach my fullest potential. I don't want to be complacent. Yet, I feel so exhausted, so unhappy, and so done. I feel about ready to give up sometimes.

And I guess what is hardest is that I don't have anyone to turn to. It's funny, I really can't remember the last time I talked to somebody in my family, except for a few superficial conversations here and there. I feel like they have no idea what is going on in my life and they have no idea who I am. What would happen if I died? Again, I feel like the only people who would know would be my co-workers, and even then, they would have no way of finding out. I hate being alone. I hate having nobody in whom I can confide. I just wish I would die sometimes.

I don't think I mean that. I hope I don't mean that. But seriously, what am I living for? Does my life have any sort of purpose? Tonight, I went to a Tri-Stake YSA FHE. A younger woman spoke about losing her husband a couple of years ago and the challenges that she has faced in coping with her loss and how her faith has been strengthened. Though my story is nothing like hers, she reminded me of myself. The emptiness that she has felt and the longing for peace. I felt a desire to improve my life and fill my life with service, but I find it so hard to continue. My life is a hoax. Nobody actually knows me. I am great at putting on a show when needed. How I wish I could just have one friend, one person in whom I could trust. Do I even know myself?

We all need somebody to lean on

2007-11-04T00:56:00.000-07:00

Life is funny. I feel like I learn lessons from the strangest of places. Tonight I went and saw a movie called Lars and the Real Girl with a friend of mine. The movie is not very well known, but the basic premise is that a 27 year-old guy who has never had a relationship with anyone and is pretty much a loner, orders a silicone doll off the internet and is convinced that "Bianca" is a real person. The town doctor thinks it best that everybody play along in order to help Lars get over his delusions. Overall, I enjoyed the movie. It was different but I would not recommend this movie to most people. But for those that enjoy an obscure and obviously different type of movie that causes you to think, it might be worth the $9.

It was very interesting to see the entire town go out of their way to help Lars. They played along and many in the town even became "friends" with Bianca. Anyway, Lars lives in the garage behind his childhood home, where his brother Gus and sister-in-law Karin now live. There was one scene where Gus is confiding in Karin that he feels partly to blame for Lars' condition because he pretty much abandoned his little brother when he left the house at 18. Gus is sad and in need of some help, when Karin tells him to come across the room and sit by her on the couch. She puts his arm around him and he leans on her. This scene really touched me.

Surely this was not intended to be the most memorable scene of the movie, but this scene really hit me. I guess you could say that I have relationship issues. Or as others like to put it, "commitment issues." I have a hard time with relationships, not because I am afraid to commit (though sometimes I think I am) but mostly because I have never seen a good relationship in those that are closest to me. I feel like most of my family members, close and extended, simply "put up" with their spouses, but don't really want to be with them. I was also raised in a home where I was required to be fiercely independent. Sadly, this independence is part of the reason why I find it difficult to be in a relationship. While I do enjoy the company of others and I am physically attracted to girls, I find it hard to put my heart and soul into a relationship. Sadly, I cannot say I feel any better being around someone I like more than I like being alone. I am way too content being alone and doing my own thing. Seeing Karin put her arm around Gus when he needed her most, made me realize what I am missing out on. I have never had anyone in my family that I can rely on or trust. When I am struggling, I usually have to cope with it myself. I wish, so badly that I had someone to turn to in my life. Someone I could share my thoughts and feelings with. Someone I could share my happiest times with, and the sad times. But I fear I have not learned how to open up to those I care about. I feel like if I were to open up, I would be judged for this, and I guess I just don't trust anyone that much yet.

So how this relates to the bigger picture, I am not yet sure. But this much I do know: I need to learn to love. I need to put my heart out on the line. I feel like I am unwilling to put myself out there only to be disappointed or hurt. But I do suppose that the saying Tis better to love and to have lost, than to never have loved at all must have some truth to it. I have a lot of catching up to do. And soon to. I am not sure how much longer I can go it alone. Life is not very much fun alone.

Each Life That Touches Ours For Good

2007-10-30T22:43:00.000-07:00

In one year from now, I cannot possibly imagine where my life will be. Everything appears to be going so well, yet never before has it all felt so wrong. Tim's passing continues to make me consider what I am doing with my life. I just read some of the comments people have written about him online. How is it that one person can have such an impact on the lives of so many. What never ceases to amaze me are the masses that write about that one or two times they actually met or hung out with Tim. And yet, they describe the huge impact that he had on them and how much they miss him. Awestruck. There is no other way to describe how I feel. And envious in a good way, I think. Nothing would bring me greater joy and happiness than to know that I could make a positive impact in someone's life. If I could even impact just one person the way Tim did to hundreds. Truly his life was one of service, selflessness, and love.

His life has thrown mine into a much needed reorganization. It makes me ill to think that I have become so enveloped in the game of career-building and chasing after the so-called American dream. What for? While financial soundness and stability are worthy goals, I do not want them to be the ultimate reason for my existence. I long so much to forget about my life and serve others. I feel so torn right now between where I am at and where I want to be. I feel like it would be foolishness to not get the CPA and to get some good work experience to fall back on; yet at the same time I view it equally foolish to continue this pursuit of worldly wealth and power.

Surely the Lord has something more important planned for my life. In fact, I know he does. In my patriarchal blessing, the Lord tells me to seek out a career of service. I have prayed about what this means for years, and never felt very good about any of the options. So I felt that maybe the opportunity would arise in the future and that I should just continue on this path in the mean time. Now, I feel like that could not be further from the truth. Yet, I fell like I should at least complete the CPA since I really am so close. Some days, I just wish I did not wake up. So many doubts, so many questions, and so little time. Work is starting to get super busy and there are so many things that I feel like I need to do. Elder Oak's General Conference talk entitled Good, Better, Best has been such a good source for me. I really need to weed out some of the good things in my life and focus on the best things. Even Halloween, which I usually am very excited for has all but been written off for me. I don't think I'll even leave the house tomorrow night.

Which brings up another interesting question. Am I depressed? Do I need to seek professional help? Or is this just a phase? I cannot tell at this point. Last week I had dinner with Sarah-Dawn and we talked about a lot of things on our minds. Afterwards, she thanked me and said that she would love to do that again sometime. I don't think she could even imagine how much what she said meant to me. If that is how Tim felt when he helped people, it is no wonder to me why he did it. That was one of the most rewarding experiences that I have had in my life in the past few years. I hope that I can continue to become somebody that people feel that they can rely on and trust. Anyway, Sarah-Dawn and I just talked about a lot of things that have been on our minds, and even though we come form very different backgrounds, I feel like we relate well and that we understand each other. It was just as therapeutic for me as it was for her.

So this is where I find myself at this point. Trying to make better decisions, yet feeling so confused at the same time about what are the best decisions for me. I feel so alone in my journey. I feel like I have no one to turn to. I guess this is the point where I realize that my Heavenly Father is always there for me and that nobody is better to turn to than Christ. I guess I just wish that I had one family member or friend that I could absolutely confide in and trust. I wonder how long it would take anyone to realize if I just didn't wake up again. It seems pretty pathetic to think that my coworkers would be the first ones to realize that I am not there. Such is life...

Two points for honesty

2007-10-25T23:40:00.000-07:00

Life moves on. I think back to the past couple of weeks, and I don't think that I could actually see a light at the end of the tunnel. But somehow, things have gotten better. Work this week has been 1000X better. I am not as stressed about anything anymore. Everything is going to be OK. I finally feel at peace about my life.

The words of a Guster song have been in my head a lot recently. In case you have never heard of Guster, google them. I had never heard of them until last summer when I went to a concert of their's near DC. Click here to read the lyrics to their song. I have really been thinking about how I want to make some serious changes in my life, but they don't seem to ever stick around.

And then when I think that my life is so awful, I am reminded how blessed I really am. There have been some awful fires in Southern California this past week and a lot of people have lost their homes and some have even lost their lives. What on Earth am I complaining about. My life is fine. One of the fires started right here in Irvine last Sunday and has brought the worst air pollution I have ever experienced. I have had a headache since Monday and even the inside of the office I have been working in this week is smoky. My eyes have been burning and my lungs hurt as well. It looked like Armageddon out there. And yet, I feel that I have been so blessed. I am safe, my family is safe, I have a great job, great friends, and I am young and healthy (well except for the temporary smoker's cough).

Anyway, I am just not very sure about many things right now. All I know is that I want to take my life in a completely different direction than the one it is headed in right now. Not that my life is headed in a bad direction. I feel like I really have a lot to be proud of, but I just know that there is so much more out there. So, farewell for now. I am writing this like someone is reading this, which I am still pretty sure nobody is except for me.

I think things are over with Kaitlyn.

Mormons and Muslims

2007-10-20T22:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight I attended a really cool lecture given by a professor of religion from BYU named Daniel C. Peterson. He is the head of LDS/Islamic translations at BYU. He spoke at the Irvine Stake Center and the Islamic community was invited as well. He spoke on the similarities and differences between Mormonism and Islam, and the Church's view on other faiths. It was amazing. Brother Peterson really knows his stuff and was able to deliver his message in a very respectful manner, while not avoiding the difficult questions at all. He was very entertaining and intelligent, a mix I feel like I don't see too often. Anyway, I learned a lot and it really made me realize that we are all children of God how much we have in common with Muslims. Now obviously there are some major theological differences, but Brother Peterson explained a lot of the beliefs that we share. We worship the same God and they are definitely a very devout group and adhere to many of the same standards that we do. i knew most of that already, but tonight it really sunk in for me.

It was also interesting to realize how much our histories are similar as far as being persecuted and how we are perceived in the United States. Afterwards I got to talk to a member of the Muslim congregation and I gained a new respect for them. I never felt any sort of hatred for Muslims in general, and definitely knew that Osama bin Laden does not represent Islam very well; but alas, Islam is new to America and unfortunately we as Americans view them as foreign and sometimes with suspicion. I guess it will take a while to dispel those myths. I imagine it is similar to how people view Latter-day Saints with suspicion; but once they meet a Latter-day Saint, they view us differently. It was a great experience and refreshing to see how mush we have in common, especially with all of the focus on differences today. It was nice to recognize that we are all people, children of our God and that we have so much in common.

Anyway, besides that I didn't do much today. I studied for the CPA exam and ran a few errands, but I found myself not wanting to do much. I really wanted to call Kaitlyn, but part of me did not want to. I can't describe it, but I just needed to be alone today and think. Dave is in Australia right now and Jared was gone all day. I needed to think today. I think I might be suffering from depression right now. All of my siblings definitely are diagnosed and known to have issues regarding depression, but I guess I always liked to think that I was immune to all of that. In reality, I think I might need to seek some professional help. I find myself not being able to cope with everything right now. I think part of my issue may be stemming from Tim's death. It really has hit me hard and made me reflect on my life in a way I never have before. Nobody around me knew Tim and I just with I could talk to somebody that would understand why I am so sad. That plus a stressful few days at work, worrying about the CPA exam, realizing that I will be spending Christmas alone here in Orange County, and really feeling like I have no friends is just piling up on top of me. But at the same time, I think that some of this is good for me. I feel like I need to be humbled so that I will be willing to accept God's will in my life. I feel like a big change is headed my way and I need to be ready for it. Who knows if I will be ready for it.

Yesterday at work, I got so frustrated and while at work I wrote the nastiest blog I could ever imagine. I was so frustrated with the way work was going and cannot imagine working at this client again. Unfortunately, I know that I will be back there in January for 2 VERY long weeks. Luckily, I did not publish the posting, though I still have it saved. The person that wrote that blog yesterday needs to move on. Yesterday at work was evidence that I still have a long way to go before I am the person I want to be. I have no patience for stupidity. That sounds so mean, but I don't know how else to say it. Anyway, hopefully I don't have too many more days like that, or my career at PwC will be a lot shorter lived than I ever imagined.

What is happening?

2007-10-18T22:28:00.001-07:00

I am not sure how to describe today. Work started out alright. Not much work to do but I still managed to keep busy for a while. Went to lunch with Kim and Nacolynn. Went back to work, with nothing to do. Bored, bored, bored, passing the day. Then Brad decides that I need to stay til 7 o'clock doing nothing. Yeah, that's right. Now I knew what I was getting into when I started working in public accounting. Late nights are apart of the job. But working late in to the evening is one thing; sitting around doing nothing is a whole other story. And yes I know that 7 is not that late.

But needless to say it frustrates me. Why on Earth would you not give me the work earlier in the day when I was asking for it. I came home a little upset, anxious, and bothered. Is this what I can expect at PwC? I thought I would be working with smart, hard-working people, but this week has made me reconsider that notion. I cannot describe how frustrated I was. I was trying so hard to be more patient, but who can be patient when you are sitting at work doing some mindless task that is unnecessary and can be done tomorrow during the day when I have nothing to do. Aahh!

OK, I'm better, I promise. Jenn called me right before I was about to leave work tonight and we talked for a while. She was asking me what she should do with Laura and I gave her my input. Then she told me something that blew me away: Trev went to church last week, and to General Conference the week before. Holy cow! I am so excited for Trev. I am sure it must be because of some girl, but I pray that Trev can at least feel the Spirit a little bit and have the desire to put his life in order now. Other than that, not too much has happened to me today.

Well, actually, the thought of pursuing a new career was cemented into my mind today. I hope that maybe it was just a brief feeling that I had because I was frustrated. I really want to like my job, but I guess I feel like I want to do something that will make a difference in the lives of others. If I could go home from work knowing that I even helped one person that day, how much more rewarding would my life be.

I about had an anxiety attack tonight. I could not study for the CPA exam, I could not think, read, or sit still. I felt like I was about to have a heart attack. I briefly wished that I would and just be put out of my misery. Why has God put me on this Earth at this time? Why does he permit me to live? What does he want me to accomplish? These questions will not leave my mind. I feel so alone right now, and so confused. I feel like my faith is faltering, while at the same time I feel like I have so many reasons to rejoice and for my testimony to be growing. I hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I hope that it is not a train.

I talked with Jared tonight about our families. He shared with me the experience of coming back to the Church and gaining faith in Jesus Christ. He told me about what it felt like to know that so many family members were praying for him. It made me realize that I do not pray for Phil very much. He sure makes it hard for me to want to pray for him, but I know that that is no excuse at all. In Matthew 5:44 Christ says: But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

Am I ready to put my belief in Christ into action? It was a part of the wakeup call that I am currently receiving. I really do love my family, but their actions towards me make it difficult for me to show my love sometimes. Am I just one of the Pharisees? It's always easy to love those that love you first. This is one thing that I need to put into action in my life. I guess that is one of the things that I admired in Tim. He loved everybody. It didn't matter who you were or where you were from or what your story was. All of these things running through my head...what will they lead me to do? I pray that God may have mercy on me and help me in this time as I strive to make myself an instrument in his hands. I guess, I need to keep life in perspective, and take it one day at a time. Tomorrow, no getting mad at people. Be patient. See people for who they are, children of a loving Heavenly Father.

Jesus and Lazarus

2007-10-17T23:51:00.000-07:00

A couple nights ago I read John chapter 11 in the New Testament, and gained a deeper understanding of the atonement. We know that Christ died for our sins and suffered every pain and affliction that we may encounter on this Earth. One thing that struck me as I read about the death of Lazarus was that Christ experienced the loss of a close friend, just like we do here on Earth. I think I often forget that besides his experience in the Garden of Gethsemane, Christ experienced our pains and sorrows in his daily life. John 11:35 says Jesus wept. Imagine that. The Savior of mankind, the Son of God, Jesus Christ himself, wept. He obviously understood the plan of salvation and the resurrection, but he still mourned at the loss of a friend. In the next verse the Jews declared, Behold how he loved him! Christ understands the pain of losing a loved one. Christ not only knows this pain from the atonement, but from his personal experience. It never ceases to amaze me the different meaning that the scriptures take on at different points of my life. I know that in times of distress, sadness, and pain, the Son of God knows how to succor us because of his experiences.

Today at work was better. Yesterday was a struggle for me as I felt a little overwhelmed, under appreciated, and anxious about my job. This afternoon the topic of conversation at work turned to saving for the future versus spending money now while we can. Wayne, who is also LDS and is married, was talking about the importance of saving for the future. Brad disagreed slightly and then shared with us something form his personal life. His father who had prepared well for retirement, died unexpectedly at the age of 62. Brad said he thinks it is more important to live it up now, because you never know when you will die. Two different opinions, both with good points I felt.

It make me really reflect upon the light that the gospel brings into our lives. While Brad has never mentioned whether or not he is a religious person, my impression is that he was not really raised in a church. I cannot even fathom losing a parent at such a young age, and so unexpectedly. I can understand why he maybe doubts the existence of God. It can be so hard to see the hand of God in our lives when someone so close to us is taken unexpectedly. Without the knowledge of the resurrection and eternal life, I am not sure how I would react to death. It sure would scare me a lot more, not to say that it doesn't a little bit already. Anyway, it made me look at Brad in a different way. Not just as a coworker, but more as a child of God. It made me want to reach out to him a little bit and share with him the plan of our Heavenly Father. I pray that the opportunity arises someday.

Anyway, besides that, not too much more to report on. I seriously am considering different career opportunities though. I realize now, more than ever before how precious life is, and that I do not want to wake up one day realizing that I have not done what I really want to do, and that is to serve others. I don't know how, or where, or when; but I want to find a career of service. People on Earth today are in so much need, and I know that the Lord looks to us to reach out. When that opportunity will arise though, I am not sure though. With Tim gone, I know more now than ever before that there will be people in need of comfort, and that they will be looking for people to turn to. May God grant me the ability to be an instrument in his hands I pray.

The fortune cookie that changed my life

2007-10-16T23:38:00.000-07:00

OK, so the title may be a bit much. But today when I was at Pei Wei with the engagement team for lunch, my fortune cookie read the following: Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. Very fitting I thought for a Latter-day Saint. And even more so for me right now, as I seriously reconsider my goals for life and who I want to become.

Generosity- Something I would like to be more known for. I can honestly say that I have been feeling more generous in my life and less concerned about myself for a while. As explained previously though, the past week has been a roller coaster for me and today I even briefly considered just quitting my job. Glad I didn't. I know that is not what God wants me to do, and that in reality, I can make a difference in the lives of the people I work with. Though I would much rather quit and serve those in need, I know that it's a little hard for the needy to help the needy. So I'll keep the job, . . . at least until I can pay off the student loans and a few other debts I have. After that, no promises. I sure hope nobody from work reads this. I don't think I really mean that anyway, it's more just a thought that crossed my mind today.

Perfection - Eternal progression is something that I believe in. Many people may find it hard to grasp that some day we can become like our Heavenly Father, but not for me. Especially not after tonight's Institute class. We are studying the New Testament and Brother Holbrook did a fantastic job tonight of explaining in depth the what happened on the Mt. of Transfiguration. Amazing. That's all I can say. I know that God lives and that he does indeed desire his children (that's me!) to live with him someday in eternal glory. Man, do I have a long way to go. The key to eternal progression is eternity.

Anyway. I find myself recovering emotionally little by little each day. I still think of Tim and what a great example he really was to me. I find myself pondering the things of life while at work, and a couple times I have had to get a hold of myself before I lose it at work. I wish everyone I know would have known Tim. He really makes me want to be a better person. I hope that someday I can become as charitable as he was.

So I am new at this game

2007-10-15T22:59:00.000-07:00

Right now I am not sure who I am doing this for, myself or for others. I guess I feel like this is more personal therapy. Hmm, it will be embarrassing if someone actually reads this. I feel like there are a lot of thoughts in my head that I never am able to formulate into words, and for some reason, my journal seems a little too self-edited. So we'll try this venue for a while.

I guess right now the biggest thing on my mind has been what really makes a life worthwhile. I recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor's degree in Accounting. I moved from Utah to Irvine, California where I now work for PricewaterhouseCoopers (PwC). I love my job, my coworkers, and the challenging environment of public accounting. I love my ward at church, my 2 roommates David and Jared are awesome, I could not wish for cooler roommates, and I am currently dating an a amazing girl named Kaitlyn. Besides her though, my entire life feels like a waste. Is this really what I signed up for?

It's not that I don't enjoy my life (I really do), it's just that I feel like my priorities are a little out of place. I focus so much on myself and what I want right now. I feel empty. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us to lose ourselves in order to find ourselves. I guess I felt that I was doing an okay job until a few days ago. That's when I received the wake-up call that my life has been in need of.

The Facebook is such a funny thing. I've been thinking about closing my account for a while now. It was Thursday evening after my interview with President Clayton (the Stake President of the Newport Beach Stake) that I came home and logged on to see what some of my friends were up to. I scrolled down to the bottom of the home page News Feed to see that a friend from my mission, Ryan Ward, had joined a group entitled Tim Filichia-Until We Meet Again. My heart skipped a beat and I clicked on the link. I saw a picture of my friend Tim Filichia and then read the group description. Tim had passed away in a car accident while driving back to BYU from Arizona the Sunday prior.

Now first you need to understand that I was not Tim's best friend. I met him on my mission and really have only had a few interactions with him over the past few years since I returned from my mission. But to say the least, Tim impacted my life immensely. He was the kind of guy that EVERYONE wanted to be around. He was the most loving, caring, and genuine person I have ever known in my life. He was funny and yet he never made anyone feel uncomfortable. I remember hearing him talk about the people he taught in Texas. He cared for those people so much. He cared about everybody, and he didn't just say it, he showed it. I wanted to be more like Tim and he really helped me see what I really wanted to become. Coming from a home that sadly lacked male role models, Tim instantly became one of mine. He was an example to me, and to so many others. If everyone on Earth had even half the love for others that Tim had, the world would be such a different place.

I would sometimes describe Tim to other missionaries that never knew him and describe the level of love he had for others. It was impossible to do though. But anyone who did know Tim, knew exactly what I was talking about. I wrote in my journal about what a good example Tim was to me. I told others about him. But sadly, I never told Tim how much of an influence he had on me. His passing has really made me reflect upon my life and what it most important. Am I really going to be an accountant? I love learning about the financial markets and all, but is this really how I want to leave my mark? Literally hundreds of people have written on Facebook, and elsewhere online about the impact that Tim had on their lives. If one did not know Tim, they would probably feel like people were going a little overboard. But having known him, I understand the impact that he truly has had on lives. This might seem like a bit much, but he really changed my life. He has made me think about the meaning of life, and reflect upon what I am doing with mine. How will I be remembered? That is a scary question to ask myself right now. I can't imagine anybody saying the kinds of things about me that they would say about Tim. At least not sincerely. I mean I know I have close friends and that people do care about me, but do I even come close in blessing the live of others the way Tim did?

I guess Tim has made me realize that I need to be kinder and more loving, TODAY. I need to chill out and show my love for others. I often joke that I am emotionally void. The past few days have been anything but. I have cried so much. I bore my testimony in church yesterday, and lost it completely. Even after church, I sat in the chapel and talked to a couple friends, as tears streamed down my face. Tim was such a great person. The world will never be the same without him. I feel as though God could have taken me up, and it really would have made no difference. Why did He have to take someone with so much potential to love and to uplift. The pain in my heart right now is unbearable. I wish so much that I could just go back and tell Tim thank you. Thank you for showing us the way. Thank you for loving so unconditionally. Thank you Tim, for being you.

I feel like I need to reorder my life in so many ways. I started by writing his family a letter and letting them know the positive influence he was in my life. Then I wrote a list of people who have likewise influenced my life, even in the smallest way, and I am now going to write them and let them know. I talked to my sister Jennifer today and let her know. She really is an amazing example to me. She may have made mistakes in the past, but she has been so valiant and courageous in her faith recently. I cannot thank her enough. I also wrote an email to Sister Doxey, a religion professor I had at BYU that really inspired me. I also drafted a letter to Elder Joesph B. Wirthlin. His General Conference talks have had such an amazing influence in my life and they are always so uplifting. The list is pretty long right now, but I am not going to allow any more time to pass. Tim's life has touched me in so many ways, and I will not allow others to go on without knowing how they have blessed my life.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure blogs are supposed to be way shorter than this, but hey, this is my first one, give me a break.